Night Mum

Good night 91 year old. On July 1st 2021 the phone call I had dreaded since I was seven yes seven came. A day just a day when two phone calls changed my life. A returned call and a voice saying your mum will not make it to the weekend. Grasping for air the unreality how I am supposed to get home and oh God COVID, quarentine, no feelings into account of families losing a loved one your mind is in panic. Your heart is like run and your frozen in silence standing as though the world around you is moving like your standing on a busy street frozen and everyone around you is moving but you can't hear a thing. You don't know what to say as tears run down your eyes and your youngest daughter shopping in a store says Mum lets go, go to the car this can't be happening, but the clock of time is running out and you realize today is that day. You know this time yes this time is reality. A few hours later a voice on the phone you know before they've said Mum has gone home. You stand in a garden a yard call it what you want over three thousand miles away stunned, not wanting anyone to touch you to hold you nothing you just stand alone the seven year old and the fifty-four year old meeting again in time holding each others hands and wondering is this reality.You hold her hand tight and she looks up to you with tears in her eyes she's gone home and all you can do is stand as the world goes moving by and your frozen in this unreal reality. Two daughters hugging you tight you feel this bond and yet the mother of two the child who lost her mother is now not knowing what to do. There's not wanting to believe it there's this bloody COVID and there's you who saw a woman not for her money, but loved her even when things weren't perfect you saw the good and viewed that was more precious than silver. I am one of three children, my brother died a while ago now, but I am alone in my grief alone in my numbness. A friend or two sprinkled with showered moments of love you grasp onto them as if they were giving oxygen to your very life. A piece of paper sent this is my mum's funeral how can all you wanted for someone be put into words and just a couple of papers to say how much their life mattered to you, how can you say all you wanted to say when the people coming there don't appear to give a damn but you alone are writing a memory of a life you cherrished and a person you loved. A video call to look through her things your grasping for memories well others stand judging you behind your back. You want to cry back can't you have some mercy, or are you so above others that compassion can't be given to someone else,I am numb now so cast your stones I won't feel them but God will stand in my Gap. I the daughter on a video call, I the daughter trapped in this bloody COVID land. It's as if my body is moving but my soul is empty, not knowing what to do. As if I am sitting in space and the world is spinning, God what am I supposed to do? I tell myself every day your mum is dead trying to get the numbness to go away, yet I am frozen, I don't want to be, but in reality I don't want the tears to flood through my very soul, through my veins I don't want to feel all that pain. I wanted to win this battle I wanted justice to be done, I was the person in the gap for my mum yet did I lose the battle or was the battle won? I know my world will keep turning, I know my mum will live on, but for now I will walk one step and then another holding onto the seven years old hand and mine and just maybe together we will in turn help others to see the new land. Love you Mum XXx