Reservations: Notes in my pocket

As a single mum I often look back and think about things. When I got married in 1993 I had a few reservations of was I doing the right thing. I did not want to let anyone down. My mum, brother and sister would be in the same room together the first time in years. Did I want to blow that. So I went through with my marriage. I had reservations on my honeymoon finding out that no hotel was booked for our first night as a couple nor was there money saved for our adventures in Scotland my marriage started on not a solid ground but ones of walking the streets in Scotland arguing. One could say that indeed there was not much of a honey moon bliss. I was always so concentrated on paying down debt I became a blur to who I was. In the background I had a sense things were not right but the thought of being alone my life and been divorced like my parents kept me from thinking I could survive without being married. I was told along my marriage road how one had to suck it up I was the Christian and in my heart I thought being a Christian does not mean you are walked over. Maybe it did to some, but I kept quite. No reservations or regrets when I became a mum of two wonderful girls. The only reservation was how could I keep going when I knew things were wrong. I now lived 3000 miles from home, so the thought of not been able to get home kept me often from speaking up. I decided that he needed his parents more than my love for my country, church, family and friends and the places that I loved so with a heavy heart I boarded a plane twice actually. I had the chance to stay but his love for his family appeared so great and after all this was forever being married and so I could do this right. In 2011 I became the very thing I dreaded a single mum in America. Wow what a wake up call no one wanted to help me navigate the justice system in truth I am not sure if there is a justice system for single mothers. You are shoved into this pool trying to navigate it all alone and praying to God you get somewhere. I had told God over a year prior that I would not file divorce so Christmas 2010 I stood on my front porch with a police man saying sorry to do this and divorce papers were handed to me. I said it was not his fault indeed it was God's answer to move on. I wanted to go and contest it but had no grounds. Life was and did move on.Along this now five year road I have lost my brother, my sister got really ill, my mum nearly had a stroke I reconnected with my dad, gone to food banks, cried many a tears and to be honest got exhausted but through it all I have no regrets that I stood firm in loving my daughters. I stood there saying forgive even when at times I wanted to shout at God and say why this was all happening this was not the road I wanted. A wedding dress I brought all boxed up and preserved now just memories of what I should have done listened to an almighty God. Perhaps I should have not got married perhaps in all those times I should have said God have your will. But this single mum living 3000 miles from home says No, indeed I wished I had prayed more back then. But not for one moment do I have any regrets for being able to bring into the world to amazing girls who love God and who have changed my world for the better. I have no regrets in wanting to change the world and reach out to other women who are hurting just like i have and do. I have no reservations in my heart that God who has seen it all and see's it all has not given up on the little girl who use to sit on a chair saying she wanted everyone to be happy gayeous and joyeous at five years old as her parents argued and argued until they divorced ten years latter 26 years of marriage stopped and life moved on. See a reservation is saying you at that time are going to be somewhere as I now listen about reservations been made for dinners as my ex goes out with his new girlfriend I tell myself I have no reservations in my heart that even though I cry and feel alone God has brought me this far see it might hurt and I might cry but a new day is coming and no reservations have to be made God has it all planned out. From the moment I said to God that we were going to start up a business called Inspiring You Outfits I knew God had a plan. Now how that plan will work out I have no idea but I believe He holds my hand tight. https://www.facebook.com/inspiringyououtfits/app/251458316228/?ref=page_internal Every woman who is a single mum has regrets I often find myself walking the streets of England in my mind so wanting to be home. But ladies we are so much stronger than regrets we have a reservation with God to sit at His table to be comforted by Him and to walk with Him into an amazing future. As I sit here I tell myself this as I am telling you don't live in regrets of what could have been forgive and continue to forgive and sit at the reserved table that God has for you and your future because in my heart I believe God has good in store if only we stop and believe that by holding onto Him He will make our future better no regrets and only one thing a reservation to live a life with the King of Kings.

Notes in my pockets: Forgiveness is not just for others but otherselves.

Forgiveness is not always easy.Perhaps it is almost easier to forgive someone else rather

than to look in the mirror and say I forgive myself. I found myself this weekend reflecting on the many times I had not forgiven myself about things. I realized that to move on in life and not be bound by just sadness of what I wished things had been I had to stop and forgive myself. I realized that although I had asked forgiveness from others the person who I still had not forgiven was the very person I looked at every day. It is indeed alright to forgive yourself indeed it is healthy to let go and say God I forgive myself nothing selfish about it. In reflecting on forgiving myself I started to think how my life would look if I forgave myself perhaps I could move on from my job and actually start my own business perhaps all the tears I cried could encourage others. It isn't perhaps but it is yes you can and yest they will. Forgiveness is the key to healing your own heart but it is also the key to allow you to walk forward to a healthier and better future. The only person who yourself back is you. I can say each day when I hear lies I forgive myself. I know that God has great things in store for me. We all make mistakes but we can all ask God to forgive us and leave those mistakes at His feet even if we keep on having to put them down at His feet eventually I believe we will leave them there. So go live a Victorious life forgiven and Whole in Christ.