Who am I now ?

My mum died on July 1st 2021 and since then I have wondered who am I now? Not many people ask any more nor did they at the beginning on Facebook people said sorry for your loss. As up and down my mum was one thing was for sure I loved her with all my heart. As I look around this house I am lost how I am supposed to spend Christmas. I wonder have I in the past twenty some odd years lost who I was. I still love the countryside and still love the beach. I have stuff in my house and when I think of England I think of how much of a

smaller home I would have. But would I be content in that smallness. Would I find a part of the fifteen year old girl who loved simple things in life. Perhaps in all these years I have lost to stand up for the things I love and stand up for me. It's easy to come to America and get caught up in this rat race easy to come here seeking the American dream and it's not so easy to leave. In all this I realize I am not the same person I was all those years ago. But just maybe I am beginning to see that I am a person who should look more clearly at what I want out of life. Maybe going home is the answer maybe it's not but to do nothing is saying that my life is froozen. So Mum thanks for making me think of where I want to be in my life and just maybe along this road to finding me again you will be there helping and guiding me. Love you XXx

Night Mum

Good night 91 year old. On July 1st 2021 the phone call I had dreaded since I was seven yes seven came. A day just a day when two phone calls changed my life. A returned call and a voice saying your mum will not make it to the weekend. Grasping for air the unreality how I am supposed to get home and oh God COVID, quarentine, no feelings into account of families losing a loved one your mind is in panic. Your heart is like run and your frozen in silence standing as though the world around you is moving like your standing on a busy street frozen and everyone around you is moving but you can't hear a thing. You don't know what to say as tears run down your eyes and your youngest daughter shopping in a store says Mum lets go, go to the car this can't be happening, but the clock of time is running out and you realize today is that day. You know this time yes this time is reality. A few hours later a voice on the phone you know before they've said Mum has gone home. You stand in a garden a yard call it what you want over three thousand miles away stunned, not wanting anyone to touch you to hold you nothing you just stand alone the seven year old and the fifty-four year old meeting again in time holding each others hands and wondering is this reality.You hold her hand tight and she looks up to you with tears in her eyes she's gone home and all you can do is stand as the world goes moving by and your frozen in this unreal reality. Two daughters hugging you tight you feel this bond and yet the mother of two the child who lost her mother is now not knowing what to do. There's not wanting to believe it there's this bloody COVID and there's you who saw a woman not for her money, but loved her even when things weren't perfect you saw the good and viewed that was more precious than silver. I am one of three children, my brother died a while ago now, but I am alone in my grief alone in my numbness. A friend or two sprinkled with showered moments of love you grasp onto them as if they were giving oxygen to your very life. A piece of paper sent this is my mum's funeral how can all you wanted for someone be put into words and just a couple of papers to say how much their life mattered to you, how can you say all you wanted to say when the people coming there don't appear to give a damn but you alone are writing a memory of a life you cherrished and a person you loved. A video call to look through her things your grasping for memories well others stand judging you behind your back. You want to cry back can't you have some mercy, or are you so above others that compassion can't be given to someone else,I am numb now so cast your stones I won't feel them but God will stand in my Gap. I the daughter on a video call, I the daughter trapped in this bloody COVID land. It's as if my body is moving but my soul is empty, not knowing what to do. As if I am sitting in space and the world is spinning, God what am I supposed to do? I tell myself every day your mum is dead trying to get the numbness to go away, yet I am frozen, I don't want to be, but in reality I don't want the tears to flood through my very soul, through my veins I don't want to feel all that pain. I wanted to win this battle I wanted justice to be done, I was the person in the gap for my mum yet did I lose the battle or was the battle won? I know my world will keep turning, I know my mum will live on, but for now I will walk one step and then another holding onto the seven years old hand and mine and just maybe together we will in turn help others to see the new land. Love you Mum XXx

Love you Mum

My mum turned 91 today,I got to facetime her I felt so blessed to see her wonderful smile. As a teen I was not always the nicest to her and I even ran away from home. At times she has not been the nicest to me. But since I was seven I have wanted her to live forever. She is the bravest woman I know, she I would give the moon too. She has cheered me some days and others not. As I watched her today with an ache me heart. I wished I never moved away, I learnt a lot but I wished I could have made so many more memories with her. I wished I could go back in time take away all the words I said that were nasty and just love her like Christ. She's lived a very hard life and she has not been perfect. I will hold you in my heart forever, love you for eternity. I wished I could go back and make more memories, I wished I could hug you tight tell you are amazing and that you mean the world to me not what has happend. I will love you Mum forever and eternity.

But to me she will always be an Angel and when all is said and done she will always forever be my hero and my mum XXx

The world in silence 2020

We are a few months into 2021, and the rush to get life moving has ramped up no end. I see COVID slightly differently. The world in silence came to an abrupt halt, much like the silence when Christ breathed His last breathe. Last year, places where tourists roamed, now animals roamed-- the silence that stopped the world, shock us all to the bones or did it? In that, silence saw death and saw lives changed. For many in caused them to stop and think to take a breath to see the wonder around us for others it was desperation to get back to the so called norm of years gone by forgetting just maybe God had stopped the world to show how in the silence we can see things more clearly. To see that in the silence, we could just perhaps hear His voice. Six feet apart and wearing a mask no longer seeing a person's smile or facial expressions but turning ourselves to question life. How many want to go back to life as norm? I for one do not. In my silence and life changing situations of 2020, I see that God had a plan and if we rush to have stadiums full and to go back to life as the norm, or so they say, just maybe we miss out on seeing the greatest life changing lessons that we can learn. On a cross, Christ was alone: the world took a breathe last year, yet the world rushes for a quick fix answer, but perhaps just maybe it's simple. Be still and know that I am God. In that and that alone, surely that is enough.

COVID-19 Lessons

COVID 19 In a world where everyone has lived in an instant mindset that many have lost the value of appreciating life, we have found ourselves in 2020 in COVID 19 the pandemic that struck this world. Graduates and high school seniors felt that their lives were robbed, and others complained that the grocery stores were not opened 24/7. Yet in WWII people knew no ending just like COVID and hey technology was non-existent. The comradeship of life to do something for others was rallied together in my England. One can say COVID blame the Chinese blame anyone other than thinking what opportunities can come from this pandemic. Get out walk see the beauty around you. Encourage someone else. Yet after a few weeks the Baptists are hailing victory as they can go back to church. It’s not about if you are a Baptist or another religion it’s seeing that this situation can bring actual healing to the world. The environment stopped and flourished while many sat at home and complained the countryside yarned and smelt not diesel but the fresh air and did not complain. It is sad that Prom didn’t come but maybe there was an opportunity to reach out to make new friends to see that the world you lived in could be changed by a song you wrote. Just maybe Prom was meant to be seen in what you could give instead of what a person could take. Tony Blair an ex-Prime Minister of England said that there is so much to learn from these times. His right I go to the local grocery store and see people not happy because they have to stand six feet a part and others petitioning that the bill of rights is not being adhered to. Others stand arguing in nurses’ faces. Those nurses who struggle to keep the faith and save lives in a new world which hasn’t gotten answers. Yet you complain and say you have rights while they have seen people dying. Jimmy Fallon maybe stuck at home but his happy family making the most of it all laughing about life and being honest of how life has changed, why can’t we see the good instead of hey let’s go to the grocery store again for the thousandth time. Let’s be honest the value of life is not brought in a store. It’s from seeing that this is an opportunity to actually really care. The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy so well explains in his book that is a great read from 5- when you die of how we should value who we are. It’s not in how many likes on Facebook or how many emoticons I get sent me. It’s seeing that a person is valued and that they have worth. Is COVID 19 from hell no hey things come and go but it is from hell if you don’t let go of of all your complaints and see that others can reap from encouraging words of love. It’s seeing the value in nature in a smile in a puddle it’s so much more than a church full of people it’s people actually loving each other when they can’t sing a song together. It’s connection in a new world it’s not saying what you haven’t got but valuing what you have got it’s seeing that the world has beauty and that the world might have changed but did you change or did you just complain. 2020 like no other what does your story say …. One of courage and good or the other you get to write the pages. COVID 19 a history maker like no other one of good to many, hope for others and a world that has the chance to change for the better for others.

My Little Women

I never ever thought I was good enough to have children so when I had two amazing daughters I felt I had won the moon and Heavens. Ironically when I was pregnant with my first daughter Little women with Winona Ryder that was the CD that I listened to and loved so much. I was in England my home and my little girl came home to a Winnie the Pooh decorated room I was happy little me, little her. Then came my second daughter six years later miles away from home now in America no one came over Little me and now two little them. Life has a tendency to keep ticking and as time went on I became a single mum. I did want to give up any time with them I choose to keep going no matter what, my little women dancing at night singing to our hearts wanted to cry, laughing at silliness, snowmen were drawn on the floor in the height of summer as flour was scattered. We danced in the rain, collected clothes and food for those in need. Yard sale after yard sale making homeschool our reality. We were survivors when the world said that we would not survive I cheered them on and they cheered me to believe. My Little Women how I wanted time to be captured to stop to freeze, from songs being sung to Christmas decorations hung I wanted them to stay my Little Women. We choose to fight a battle to keep going when odds said not to believe. Why not I said we have nothing to lose and so we fought an often lonely battle. My little Women who gave up often their childhood to believe that we all could succeed. Ironic isn't it as this chapter marches on a new Little Women is now in the theatres I am not pregnant listening to the songs, I am me crying heart wondering what the next chapter holds. My Little Women, all grown up. No singing on a deck, no hair in the bathtub no shouting to vacuum our chapter now ending a new one beginning.

, or singing in the rain. The new chapter calls to be written My Little Women yes My Little women now or grown and me Little me holding onto to those amazing memories. You made me Me girls, you my Little women I am so proud of you. Love you Mama XX

Storms and life

I have felt like many that I have been in a massive storm all my life, from childhood, divorce it has been a fight. Last year we stepped out and committed to staying in one church, serving and doing our best. Then this year we stepped out again committing to having a small group in our home and serving in another campus. Today I was told my contract ends, I am the one bringing in the money the one who's shoulders feel very heavy laden, but in it all, I say God will fight my battle. God damn it I might be weary but come on God fight that battle for me. It's a true fact that to serve God you lay down your life. I just wanted to go back to England, I just wanted to run down those rolling hills. But in every table being turned in my life this year. I truly say God fight my battle. It's in the moments that tears our in my heart the pain and joys of life. That truly what is aksing God for money what is it all about. It is in every breath me knowing that God is going to provide.

You might as well be dead.... What a bloody lie.

There's the time you just want to be loved by your family when you're feeling overwhelmed. You pick up the phone and there is silence and then the tone they heard your voice the phone is hung up. It's another ring another slam. You sit crying what the hell went wrong It's accusations which aren't true, it's told you're not good enough, you've done this and that all lies and there simply not true. You question the past and you wonder what was the truth. The phone call of loneliness the phone call of pride. Kelly Clarkson wrote a song about how she traveled fifteen hundred miles to see her dad In 'Piece by Piece' well Kelly I beat that I traveled over three thousand miles to see a man who I just wanted to love me. I waited all my life to hear him say he loved me. I heard him lie, tear us all down, beat my brother and I was a pawn in his game money given just so my mum would see me again. Yet I forgave I sat and listened to his lies, I loved the time I saw you Dad I said with tears rolling down my eyes. Yet a year later and I was not good enough another woman and oh so many lies. I heard my brother crying down the phone, how he wasn't good enough he had not done enough for his wife who died, he just wasn't enough he felt, he had listened to all the lies. Then the phone call he had taken his life. There's the time you just sit crying on the floor, you've called everybody to get your mum home from the hospital, you've woken up early you've done it all over 3,000 miles away. Yet all you get is your not good enough. A joyful cry as your parents say we've thrown all your school books away all the photos of your once life, you're told that there, not yours and that you don't really matter. There's this aching feeling that you should have taken more when you saw your mum or what the hell did I do wrong. In reality there's nothing you could have done. Nobody knows all you've gone through is so true. A song with lyrics telling others nobody knows what someone goes through. It's a time you grief through, it's a time your alone. An Israelite in the desert searching for a home. You see your pain in a shattered mirror, you want to shake the glass and make it all straight again. It's the voices from the past and the battle in the present. It's looking in the eyes of Jesus to make it all better. It's a bloody battle I say I am not better off dead, I've fought this battle and I'll stand and bloody fight. You might not see me as Jesus does you might say I am bloody well not good enough, but in His eyes I am good enough. I might not have a mansion I might be on food stamps and little to my name, but I'll fight this bloody battle, to hell with all your words one day they too will be shattered and like my childhood memories and pain the ones where I felt I was not enough and the ones when I was an adult when you lied and just pulled me down there be like the grains of the sand cast into the ocean no more at my feet no more apart of me, no more my pain. You may tare me and my children down but all those bloody lies and all those scars we've carried God only knows His going to make it better. You might as well be dead they say....No I'll fight this bloody battle to the end...Because to the many who have said that I am not good enough I am telling you what a Bloody lie. See we count...and I'll travel my whole life fighting that battle.

Single parenting the desert, the Isralites made it so why the hell not me !!

Before I was a single parent I never thought twice about really how hard that job was. My mum got divorced when I was fifteen I was over the moon and her road was a very tough one for sure. Looking back people have made their opinions and said what could have should have been done. Over thirty-seven years have passed and I have been a single mum for over ten years. Many women are single parents even if they are not divorced they carry so much alone fighting battles without any help. Never underestimate the power of a woman. It is so true. I was a quiet child my goal to sort out my parent's issues and arguments. As a single parent, I learned that with or without a voice it was a battle. Everyone has an opinion about you yet hardly any an answer no direction just their views. It is like someone said to me like the Israelites walking in the desert you keep walking your kids to the side, you tell yourself I know one day we will get out of there, I might as well die trying. The sands hit your face you feel drained beaten and alone but God damn it you hold your kid's hands tighter and you just keep on bloody walking. Surely there is relief in sight. The world around you trudges on your storm circles you like the sands in the desert no bracing yourself for another and another but you just keep trudging on your feet slip the sand pulls you down yet you look into others eyes I can make it can't I hope they have an answer hoping God will hear you and get you home. Your the one trying to escape the firing line hearing the fog horn trying to get you home. I mean if I had for once thought of how hard been a single mum was I would have given so much more compassion to those women. It's screwdriver in one hand, books in another, bills and stress and just thinking if God can lead Moses through the desert then why not the hell me. So think twice before you judge us single mums were a fighting machine, tired weary and maybe not always prepared for battle but God only knows that Promise Land that was promised to Moses is ours and were claiming it.I'll fight to the end, getting through my Israelite experience my lost in the forest my beaten by the storm. I may feel my feet sinking but just as a child I'll keep walking remembering that God did not forget Mose and He ain't going to forget me. So I'll hold on with negativity around me holding tighter to my girls and walking on because that Promise Land it's ours and God doesn't forget his people nor me.After all were British and God we know how to fight.

Depression, life and others in the tsunami.

What can one say? I have lived from seeing many people go through depression. My brother took his life from just finding it hard to cope with life. But I never knew the effects that depression had on others until I was in a situation dealing with someone who had depression. I knew depression had affected many people in my brother's life but how it did never hit me in the face until this year. Depression does not just leave a destructive path for the person but others involved. You're not sure how to help that person, in fact, you feel overwhelmed about how to help them. Everyone around you has a theory or answer for how boundaries should be made or how you should cope with that person. It's like living next to a tsunami and at the moment things can change. It's a lonely path for the person and those trying to live through the aftermath. There's help for the person with depression but the others involved are left feeling alone helpless and wondering how to cope and what is next around the corner. As a mum, I have been left wondering what do I do God? I fill my life with trying to have answers saying sorry for the things I had done wrong, from serving more to just sitting in church stone-faced because I did not know how I could make it. I never realized that came with it all. I feel sorry to the ends of the earth that I did not understand more for my brother's kids. I feel helpless to know how to make life better for my own. You walk day by day just hoping for a break. It's a visit to the ER because your daughter is going through things herself with no answers found, it's sitting and wondering when it will all end. It's another call where you feel alone. It's a thousand voices telling you what to do and yet only one you want to hear that it's going to be alright that you can make it. It's such a lie when they say that depression just hits the person depressed it's such a lie because others around are living they are fighting on life support machines from the mess left. It's not a church, it's not a sermon that can help it's crying out to God work it out. It's hearing lies and lies over and over again and telling yourself it's just not true that it's the depression of someone else and that you're good enough to make it through. It's going to places and bills not paid and phones dying and you sit there and you just starring as your money depletes down the drain I can do this I am strong right God, it's telling yourself every single day. It's a battle it's serving time and crying out to God just take all this pain. Make me strong so that I can stand in this bloody rain. Then you get a call another blow and you sit crying to God just one moment God help me make it so I can live and laugh in the rain. You see so much pain and you wonder where has my wand gone it must be broken. There's no prescription for the one's trying to survive from the aftermath, you just take a deep breath and you walk by faith, hiding your own pain you don't have the time to deal with your own feelings you have to survive. While the world tumbles for the person in depression, those loved ones and people around that person have to fight to survive. Their goal to keep their head above the water and to make it to the other side. So many solutions yet no one hearing your pain. Yes it's true depression does not just involve that person it hits to the core others and others are left in the tsunami praying to God to keep them safe. I am not an island I am a mum who just is trying to guide us through this rain. So when you hear of someone depressed remember it does not just affect that one person it affects so many and they are left with the pieces to pick up and keep going no matter how much that rain hits they have to survive.

Andi Mack Finale and what a mother learnt from the show !

One could say that Andi Mack was different in many ways than any other kids' series. Indeed, as a mother, I viewed that what Andi Mack did was show that no matter what the situation is in life you could be true to yourself. "Was Andi Mack aimed at young people?" one could ask. Yes, it was, but as a mother in her fifties, I found myself seeing I had a lot to learn from this season and the previous ones. We all are unique and have something to give: Andi with her art, Buffy with playing sports... the list could go on: they all were special. I think as we grew old we all forget that we can still dream dreams and still accomplish amazing things. As a child, I so wanted to be a fashion designer but never did. So what stops me now? Maybe it is in seeing that as we face challenges of life and value each other, anything is possible. The show focused on so many different issues from panic attacks, parents, school to issues around us. It should empower people when they watch this show that the world around us allows us many opportunities to be unique, different and that we can overcome so many hurdles if we allow others to help. Even the gran was amazing: she was truly fun and inspiring, and I hope I am like her when I am one. It is sad though that Andi Mack was canceled. I think it gave kids a voice. I think it allowed issues to be shared and heard in a very unique way. How can we take what one series tried to teach us and make a difference? One can only say that we each have a voice, and this TV show should inspire us all to have a voice, be heard and be proud of who we are and who we can become-- no matter what our age. So on behalf of the mothers out there, Thank you, Andi Mack, for being an amazing show of sheer inspiration and allowing me to see the world of not just my children in a new way but also my own.

One single Poppy.

I have lived in the United States of America for many years and every time around this year it never ceases to amaze me that not a single poppy is warn not a single poppy is sold. In England poppy's are sold a simple respect for the men who died in conflict. Every year I wore a poppy as a child not thinking twice about it. When I worked in a store here I asked if I could wear my poppy with pride but was denied that right. In recent months I have been reading up about WWI which my Grandfather served in and was gassed in. Why is there so little respect for those who have fought for us. One simple act of respect. In WWI and WWII America and England both lost many people. Young men in a battle field often surrounded by blood and dying friends. Yet we in 2018 we cannot wear or display a single poppy. The displays are amazing in England the time that has taken to show in same small way that we have not forgotten the fallen ones, those lost often at a young age. Has the world become so self obsorbed that it has forgotten who has fought for their freedom. Young men thinking that they were coming home at Christmas served years to keep us safe and no one single poppy does not pay anything for the price they paid, however it does say I will not forgot, it does say Granddad thank you, it says to all those lost that I will wear my poppy remembering you. To those who never returned from those blooded fields, to those who fought to the end I will not forget. My single poppy has a voice and yours can too. Please remember to show respect for all those who have paid the price for your freedom.

The Tree of Life

The Tree of Life

I was planted just a seed and through time I grew With each gentle breeze I pushed out my branches, green leaves appearing My branches ever reaching the sun Through time they have broken, and my direction has changed But still I reach up for the sky and the sun that calls my name Autumns have come and gone, my leaves change colors my aching limbs wanting a time to rest Cold snow captures my body and my limbs I catch the snowflakes and press them close to my chest Others see them on my bark, but they dress me in white in the cold winter nights The dews of morning awaken my very soul, The tingling feeling of the frost at my toes, the earth around me guiding my growth Seasons have come and gone, I have seen sunsets like no other, watched bombs fall from the skies Captured shooting stars and rainbows Lightning bolts across the skies I have seen eclipses and watched the rays of light captured in a moment as it brushes the skies and shades it’s morning light. I have seen children laugh and adults cry, I have seen death and smelt it knock at my door. I am a tree, I am a life As days grow shorter and my days are not so long, I still remember every shade of autumn, every ray of summer, every dress of winter, every delight of spring. I remember the days of plenty and the days of sorrow I am life and life like no other, I am a mother to many a place for a song to be written A heart to be penned and story to be hidden I am where memories have been made and heartaches are shed I am ……. Yes I am the passing of time….I am indeed a mother.

Immortalizing a WWII into something that it was not.

As I looked at pictures of the fun in some of the small towns in North Norfolk celebrating 1940s and listened to a ladies group who sings songs from WWII who was on Britain's Got Talent, I had to reflect on what my mum had said about the war. As we look back at history and see the clothes and family unit of war time Britain, have we forgotten those children who were sent to far off countries and places to get away from the war, many treated badly many although leaving war time England in fact ventured into a new war for their lives miles from home: those evacuees truly missed out on their childhood. Many children like my mum still to this day remember the images of the planes and bombs being dropped, never to be erased from their minds. Yet we dress up and celebrate this time period. Are we as human beings making light of how many families suffered, or are we commemorating the bravery of many? I think it is a hard one to say. Before talking with my mum these passed few days, I used to think it would be fun to dress up and go to one of those events but as I listened last night to a song sung by "The D-Day Darlings" a song sung by Vera Lynn "There'll Be Blue Birds Over," I took to heart each of the words being sung. It is so easy to not listen to the elderly to forget how much they have gone through and easily forget and often make light of many time periods in our history, I think it is good to reflect to and remember that what we make light of today was really very serious. My mum survived but, like many, the scars did too, if anything I think of when I see people celebrating the 1940s I think of all those who served, all those who did not come home, all those who did so much to keep this world safe and in that I am so thankful. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vDFKba_WDE

Hurricane and WWII

As I sat waiting for Hurricane Florence to come near to where I lived I called my mum in England. All my life I have heard stories about WWII my mum grew up in WWII she is now 88 years old. She compared the hurricane to her time in the war and how the uncertainty must have been horrid but as I listened I quickly realized other than the uncertainty there was nothing similar. The people who grew up in that time or any time of war did not know for one minute what the next second would hold. No cell phones, television nothing just waiting to hear news on a radio. The innocence of childhood gone and taken. My mum recalled going to a field to collect walnuts from a tree and looking up at the sky in all innocence thinking that they were planes that were safe, but machine guns fired on that field. These people firing at an innocent child and her mum, my mum and my Nan laid in the field until they had gone. She talked how her mum, dad and herself knitted socks, gloves and scarfs and gave books to the gunnery people that she passed on her walk to the train station on the way to school. How they had no inside toilets, how windows were blacked out. She said " I don't want to remember but the memories just keep flooding back". This innocent person, her life changed forever not just in a hurricane but because of a war that she knew not when the end would be. My mum has fought many wars in her life and is indeed the bravest person I have ever known. I wished to God I could hug her. We all live our battles it maybe in our minds, maybe scared of a hurricane, but we often forget those who have gone through so much and are often forgotten. As a child I did not want to hear more about the war but as an adult all I wished I could do was to take all those fears away that she had and give her back a childhood I am sure she wished she had. You know as I listen to her she talks with love for all those people some never came home. I can thank Hurricane Florence for showing me to love more, listen more and just to be so thankful that my mum got to live through it all. I often forget to listen, to truly be attentive to someone talking to me. I think we all can learn from what my Mum said. She added "Laugh at life and life will laugh at you, go be happy always"

Caring for each others.

We live in a world where computers rule and people asking if you are alright matter little. I use to work in customer service, indeed I have since I was fifteen I loved working in my mum's tea rooms, the smell of bread that was sold in the front end of the tea rooms was bliss to me. My brother had a shop which sold mugs and all sorts of things I loved Christmas and he won the Christmas display in our small sea side town of Cromer in North Norfolk. When I was a child most people knew your name. We walked every where up and down the hills of West Runton, God we must have been fit and to this day I love the memories. This lady owned a small store in West Runton it sold meat and groceries I called her "The Thank you, thank you, Very Much Lady" as after each item was placed on the counter that is what she said. Stanton is a small village in England I love it there, people talk to you like you have never left. So where has that all gone? When I worked in customer service I took the time to hold people's hands when they cried, to listened to their stories and was present in the little time I had with them. From placing groceries a certain way to asking about their children or how they were feeling, to me it was away of serving, away of making sure for that one moment that person felt loved. I would often say " You look beautiful or hello handsome" if my words brought joy just for a moment then indeed I was blessed. To me many of us are seeking to belong to have people care about us no matter what the age. Have we all moved so far away from caring that we are just robots in a materialistic world. To be blunt I think often companies just care about how much money they make, but in reality consumers often come back if they know that they are cared for.It is really the same with employees if you sit and listen to an employee and help them to do well really the reward is more then just a pat on the back it is seeing someone do well and wishing them the best. I think we almost have to untrain our minds and go back to what was told to us when we were young. "Treat others how you would want to be treated yourself" Now that is a thought to end with.

Good night Dad

It's been an interesting year so far. As I sit here I am reminded that today is Fathers Day many of us have had a hard time with their dad's what can I say.A few years ago I felt blessed to reconnect with my Dad then life changed this past Christmas and all of sudden what I thought was a blessing became a very empty hole in my heart. Perhaps when all is said and done God will have saved my heart from being hurt any more but say you wonder what it would be like to have someone really care. I think of a Dad protecting wanting the very best for his children and even in my fifties I see how much I have wanted that. Perhaps years do not make our hearts heal, in truth I think it makes our hearts more aware that if you dare to risk and care you may indeed get hurt. Instead of joy I have ended up with tears and that is not how the story was suppose to end up. I sat in my closet today in tears. Perhaps being a dad that cares is to much to ask, perhaps to many of us it is just a dream. In truth I have had the hardest time thinking that God cares for me because of my Dad. Perhaps it is time for me and maybe many to say Good night Dad and start on another chapter a new book so speak. I wish you all the best on your new book and I hope for us that our book has a happy ending.

North Norfolk England

I lived a good part of my childhood in North Norfolk England. My sister would not move back there at all and I am not sure if she liked it when we were kids. Me on the other loved it. I remember going on the bus at night in Norwich and going window shopping.I still see those light and that feeling of being on a double deecker bus. But the thing I loved was when we moved to North Norfolk. I lived in a farmhouse when we first moved there and although my family life was interesting I loved the countryside. So when we moved to Aylmerton and I spent a lot of time with my neighbor a spinster it changed me forever. I learned to love drawing, and made things with clay, rode my bike everywhere and learnt to love the countryside. My neighbor made jams and grew her own vegetables it was wonderful. She took me on adventures all over North Norfolk I loved it all and in truth i probably did not know how much I loved it until I left. My parents divorced there and we all moved on. I remember so well my mum owned a tearooms in Holt called the Owl she was brilliant at it and looked amazing her smile brightened up the darkest day. Those rolling hills and miles of nothing time captured, steam trains and poppy fields. Sands and sea, life boats and sausage rolls. Time stands still in North Norfolk. I moved far away from there until I went back a few years ago, seeing it all reminded me of who I was, what I loved and what was important to me. Really deep down I am just this country girl who wanted to make a difference in this world. I had changed but North Norfolk had not. When I see pictures of the places in Norfolk of the green lands, rolling waves, fishermen boats and muddy wooded walks I am reminded why in my heart I still call this place home. It's not that it has fancy houses or fancy shops,indeed fancy is found in the serenity of open fields of time standing almost still of roads to small for much to pass and a place people know your name.It's where days glide into nights like a passing ship. Where the swaying of a cornfield tells you the time of year. Where walking down a muddy path and hearing the sound of birds allows one to remember that life can stand still. It is watching the waves and walking along a beach and remembering those walks you had as a child and then seeing that life really has not changed much. It is listening to your heart as the wind calls your name it is seeing the price and value of simple things and that this place you once called home really is tugging at your heart to be a part of it again. As I type this over three thousand miles from North Norfolk I am reminded God does not lay things on our hearts for nothing. I one day will find my own way home again to my North Norfolk maybe a little older in body but and maybe just a little more appreciative of this part of the world that has captured my heart and calls me home.

Family

“Family” the word conjures up many feelings some think of a family who laugh together, care and are always there, others a mixture of disappointment and despair. Webster dictionary describes it as "families. 1 : a social group made up of parents and their children. 2 : a group of people who come from the same ancestor. You resemble your mother's side of the family." But what that word becomes to mean to us is left for those we associate that word with. Many have fallen into the trap of loving and giving so much to a family that continually lies to them, and continually pulls them down thinking things will change. Others have been very fortunate and have a family that have supported and loved them no matter what, wanting the very best for them, to see them fly and be the support that each of them need. One has to ask how do then the people who have not had that support learn to live? Maybe there is not an easy answer maybe there is no solution? We look to others searching to belong, searching for that family that is honest and loving often to feel that we have let down the ones who have rejected us and cared little for us along the way. Is there an answer for those held captive by the lies and uncertainty of an unhealthy family? One can say family comes in all shapes and sizes in the world we live in. But at the end of the day we all came from that one family that has instilled in us foundations of who we are. How do we then move on from often the realm of insanity? Do we forget and walk away from them? Do we seek out others to feel that void? By turning your back there is a sense of guilt, but how then do you learn to live again in a world where indeed you have worth and people can accept you for who you are without always lying to you and continually saying you are not good enough. I think it is like a child learning to walk one step, one day at a time. If you have ever run a marathon it was not ran in one day so to speak indeed it was really achieved over many days. So it is with moving on from an unhealthy family. I suggest that the first point is you see that you are worth something to God and others and that is not easy. One good friend is all you need, that one good friend that will keep on telling you that you have worth even if they say it for the rest of your life that one good friend will eventually impact and change your world. If you have not got one good friend then get the lipstick out or sticky notes and write notes and notes to say what you are in Christ and what you truly are. Second take a note of what is the truth and what is a lie often taking a step back allows us to see what is really true. Do not double think this, I often have a reason why my family treats me so badly, double guessing allows them control and you to be defeated. Thirdly and I am not very good at this stop the calls, see if they reach out to you, if not stop the calls, limit them. Take moments to live and breathe in the good air and exhale the bad. If you can find a good counselor then that is great however if not you cannot do this alone, it is years of insanity and years of walking alone and we are not meant to do that, so find a safe person to tell you the truth and that you have much worth. I am not perfect and there is no perfect family but one thing I do know for sure I am not what the lies have said I am. In a child’s eyes we just want to be loved not any different than a ninety-year-old person. But in living we have to understand that all those lies will destroy who we can become. Tears can be healing not defeat. A mirror does not have to be a place to look at in shame, telling others who you can trust can lead to healing, praying can lead to hope and you at the end of the day can learn that a family is out there who loves you for you, it might not be the way you thought but it will can lead to you living with hope. I should know I walk this road every day. I was told I was lucky to be fed and clothed and go to a private school, I never realized that food and clothes had to be asked for as a child and I never asked to go to a private school. The other day I was reminded by my friend we love each other for who we are and accept each other wanting the best that is family and that is love. So, I wish you all the best in moving on and finding your new hope because I believe that we can all move on from the lies and learn that we are good enough and that we do have worth because every day we have a chance to change to change that lie. So let’s start doing that and start living. Because today is a new day that I do know and that I do promise. You have much worth,so lets starting believing that one day at a time.

Captured in time.

My mum has been ill since before New year she fell and broke her hip and has been in hospital since. I feel myself captured in time wanting my mum to be young again, wanting someone to love me and see the good in me. I guess in truth we all do. As family members grow old and some draw further apart I ask the question what did all those years as a child mean? I left home at nineteen, with some regrets but our lives were all such a yoyo and there was little sanity. In my heart I just wanted so much more. As time has gone on I have found myself grasping to find a common ground with my family and to just be accepted. With my mum in hospital I surely have wanted to be the care giver, but it is very hard to be a caregiver 3,000 miles from home and with someone who feels that they do not need anyone. Some say close the door others pray but where is the balance between heart and Heaven? I ask the question how to do you capture in your heart what you have never had or in your mind that it is time to let go? When all you want is to hear that voice I love you or to sense that what you are doing is enough. I am sure many feel this way, if not then this is my alone road to find one day hope. I meet a man yesterday from the Associated Press my mind was captured in time of me wanting to be a journalist as a child, off course I loved fashion designing. My mind pulled into talking and I so wanted to get off work to sit and learn from this man, he had walked a road I had once wanted to go down. Yet I saw faults opinions not reality. Perhaps that is all that is left of my family that I grow up with opinions no reality no firm foundation of caring for another person. My mind captured in time as a five year old wanting a world that did not exist, perhaps it is hard to jump from our time capsule of life into the future because as a child longs for that love so do adults. The search for answers in a world that has already been clouded and looking for the light that will lead us to that home where we can find love and acceptance and peace that is the road I long for that is the road that through it all I hope to one day find. I wish you all the best to find your home your peace and your acceptance and worth because if you find that then we are no longer captured in time but captured in a place all of us can call home.