Christmas 2016 A new meaning.

This has been the first Christmas I have spent with just me and my girls. I became a single mum seven years ago. When I got separated I wanted with all my heart for my ex husband to come to his senses and love me and the girls with all his heart. But life did not turn out like the vision I had had of being married years and not getting divorce after eighteen years I became a single mum in a country far from home. I was reminded today of that heart ache as my girls waited to hear from their dad but no phone call came and just a text he was busy as my younger daughter said with his new family. It is true our hearts want so much to be loved that often we chase after love from people who really are incapable of loving us. My girls are amazing and I am not perfect but I see today that in those hopes that it is time to move on. It is in the solitude of tears rolling down my eyes that I sense sadness as if someone died yet hope that I can live as me and not what someone wanted me to be. As I stood yesterday listening to a choir I realized that it is not in perfection and looking good that we find hope but in our imperfection and in seeing that we are enough. See we are blessed to be given children and we are blessed to be given this life and even in death we can see that there is a vision for a new life. So today may have been difficult and awkward but it is time to move on year 7 is sure going to be great. Thanks God.

The word Merry/Happy Christmas is not a bad word.

Many of us work in retail it is a sad day when one is told that one cannot say "Merry Christmas" as it may offend shoppers. Yet those stores carry Christmas items with the words saying "Merry Christmas" on them. The world we live in means that many of us are from all parts of the world so although England does not celebrate July 4th nor do we Thanksgiving I am not taken offense when people wish me a "Happy July 4th" or a "Happy Thanksgiving". Just because the word "Christmas" has now been replaced by many signs saying "Happy Holidays" it should not mean those who wish to say "Merry Christmas" are told that they should not say it. May I remind the retailers that "Christmas" you have marketed into the biggest money making season, so it is alright to take peoples money but not to wish them a "Merry or Happy Christmas" surely that is taking advantage of as the retailers say a "Christian Holiday". Freedom of speech should not be just for a few, the word "Christmas" should be a light to a hurting world and should bring joy to all around. Would it be better to curse at customers no that would be offensive. Yet there are many other holidays for other religions I do not see retailers at least in England and the USA making money of such holidays as Hanukkah. If I was to say "Happy Hanukkah" that too might offend people. So as a Christian why are so many retailers are allowed to make their employees feel small for wishing customers a "Happy, Merry Christmas" Surely if this is the case then these very stores need to stop being hypocrites by selling Christmas items and making money out of a Christian holiday. Christmas is a time of joy and it is a time to allow happiness to spread, a smile a spirit of good cheer and time to reflect a time to remember Jesus Christ. Christmas is not a Happy holiday to many of us who still say "Merry Christmas" it is a saving grace. Be blessed this Christmas.

Patchwork of life

2016 What a year for many of us. This week I had a cyst removed from my head my daughters were amazing. One who hates blood has become my personal nurse and I feel a total sense of gratitude to her. My other daughter has been cooking up a storm. I say often I feel alone but in all of this I see even though my mum, dad and sister care little about me that I have a family. I sat talking to a couple this week, choking tears as I thought why I have hated going to work the loss of being a mum the loss of not being there more for them caught in my tears, I could not believe that they sat there not condemning. My friend Suzanne came to the doctors she pushed the door open as they were removing the cyst held my hand and I realized that this was what family was she cared so much about me that she did not care about others just me. I felt like I was the Queen of England. In her eyes maybe nothing in mine it meant the world. It has been a tough year losing child support and trying to make ends meet. We started up a business selling second hand clothes online the site is amazing thanks to my daughter.Inspiring You Outfits goal is to make others feel inspired to make a difference in others lives. At the end of this year our website will close until we can make it profitable. We decided that from now until January 1, 2017, that we would give $1 for every $10 spent on our website, to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital; and my daughter who makes fleece dog blankets is giving $1 for every $10 purchase, to a local SPCA. We tried our hands at selling British desserts and then crafts on Etsy (3 Brit Chics and Impact by Dapper Chap). My heart from the beginning of this road of single mumness has always been to not be bitter, to encourage others and make a difference. I wrote books on amazon KDP under Lisa K Butler books of encouragement, I posted on a group I called Empowering Exceptional Women on Facebook and made wonderful suggestions on English Delights on Facebook one could say all to little avail and no money coming in. We use to raise money for the homeless all with the view point of making a difference. As I sat talking to my dad, sister and mum throughout this year I see so clearly how bitterness so kills and as I sit hear missing my England it is not that family that I miss more the friends I have in England Sharon and her family, friends from school and the simplicity of home. In all what the passed six years have thrown out me from car troubles to nearly losing this house, to my brothers death to church rejection I can say it has been a weary road. If I look back at the times I walked in cathedrals in England the stain glass reflections hitting the floor I am reminded we are like that stain glass and the patchwork quilt in many homes each waiting a new peace to be added to our lives or the sun to be reflected in our lives to make us better people. I so don't know what tomorrow holds, I know I have traveled along road. I was struck by a picture yesterday of Sophie Simnett from the movie "Mum's List" it reminded me of me in the 1980's although the movie is about a woman dying of cancer. I found myself thinking I just wanted to be my mum's list for her to love me and not condemn me. I was invited recently to join a group on Facebook called Hygge I call the hug group it makes me think of things I love and feel hugged.A simple get well a simple I care all of a sudden chases the gloom away and I feel I am in a family that care. In closing what happens next I have no idea,I hope my long road leads me home, financial security of sorts of not living on the poverty line, and makes me whole I hope me long road leads to make a difference in others lives and see the stain glass glory shine in them. Like a patchwork I hope it gives others hope, some warmth from the cold.

Puppet:Notes in my pockets

I recently started to finding healing from my passed. It is interesting to say that truly emotional abuse is very hard to move on from. It is like a puppet if you imagine with it's strings cut and it is falling plummeting to the ground with the very people that you allowed to puppeteer you watching from above, eagerly waiting for you to fall. You're scared, you are trying to catch your breath and you are not sure what life can look like without those ever ending words of failure ringing in your ears. It is as though those words have become your breath, those words have become the blood that flows in your veins and keeps you alive. The problem is that is all a lie, because with all those words,that tore you down, it is as though your very breath to breathe was been taken away from you. Your smile was not good enough, nothing you did was seen as any value. It is easy I think to say move on. I remember my brother before he died he was so stuck, but perhaps in truth he was so empty of love that his heart had lost the capacity to find hope to keep going. If you think of a car and that without petrol it does not run, a person without love finds it hard to function. I was asked recently what word does God think of you "I said Beautiful" but honestly I found it hard to say those words. I have really nice dresses and I encourage people as much as I can. But me I have found that moving on from years and years of words ringing in my ears of how good I wasn't have left me like a puppet flying through the air with my strings cut. I know I am not alone on this road and I am blessed that I have an amazing friend who has known me for years she tells me that all those words are lies. I know in my head that God loves me and I do believe in Him, it is just allowing my heart to feel His true love allowing me to be alright that I was not to blame for all those words and allowing myself to believe in a better future. We all at times in our lives come across people who have allowed others to puppeteer them, I use to not think of how those people felt I to be honest avoided them, they are not a bucket with a hole in them which need so much love indeed they are people that a hug can make them feel safe a hand held tight can feel that tomorrow is going to be alright or a simple smile can say "Girl you are going to be alright" I have been very honest in this post, it is true that God loves us all more than words can ever say and as I close my eyes I picture not the people that have puppeteer-ed my life but Jesus and I sitting in a place I like to call home. I encourage you words do hurt, but words can be conquered find a good friend, find a place in your mind where you can allow God to show his love and I do believe that slowly you will become whole that is my hope for me and for you reading this. Go stand tall without your puppet strings and live for once in your life.

InspiringYouOutfits: Notes in Your Pockets

Say if you can help people by doing something you love? Well, that is exactly what my family and I are doing! When I was in my teens I so wanted to be a fashion designer: I would draw all the time. But as they say, "Life happened." Going through a divorce made me see that there was a gap in the market for blessing and helping single mothers and students buy affordable outfits at great prices that could inspire them to feel good about themselves. Thus, Inspiring You Outfits was born, a way I could design outfits, and all of a sudden, my life became full circle. I would encourage you to check out the website and view amazing clothes that will Inspire you to do great things! Notes in Your Pocket is a small part of Inspiring You Outfits. At Notes In Your Pockets, we offer that we will do all your social media postings for you: we become your Social Media Manager, freeing up your valuable time. Notes In Your Pockets also offers that if you are having any memorable event, we will contact the guest list with your permission and put together a loving book that has memories and notes from your friends: this can include photos, recipes, childhood drawings, all captured in a memory book just for you! This is truly priceless, and the value of such a memory is priceless. contact us at InspiringYouOutfits@hotmail.com For more information check out: http://www.inspiringyououtfits.com/ https://www.facebook.com/inspiringyououtfits/app/251458316228/?ref=page_internal https://twitter.com/InspiringyouO https://www.pinterest.com/inspiringyouo/ https://www.instagram.com/inspiringyououtfits/

Note in my pocket: Finding my way home.

I have been divorced about six years now, in that time I lost my brother and I have struggled hard to find me. I have worked in a supermarket for six years now, I have been offered other jobs yet still I stay. This year has brought the biggest question what makes me,me? I sit often on this computer looking up photos that remind me of my England and the amazing countryside of Norfolk where I was a child. Those times were not all happy yet some how in my mind I have captured them as pure Heaven. I merrily look up pictures taken in France and long for those content moments of enjoying life. I love watching the Great British Bake off and seeing you tubes of Gordon Ramsay and his daughter Matilda and I am taken back to memories of wonderful pastries in English villages and the smell of my mum's cooking. A painting of colour of strokes going to no where land by Louise Cobbold and looking at material pictures from Liberty's. Seeing pastel colour's of fruits and pin cushions with pins poking up awaiting to make a dress or embroidery threads waiting to be used. A book about the Women's Institute in Norfolk or a book about North Carolina stories from the passed captured in my mind making me remember who I use to be. Seeing sketches of clothes and seeing patterns and thinking what they could be. A smile runs across my face a day of sunlight brakes through the heavy clouds and there I am cycling down village roads and eating blackberries and singing songs in the rain. There I am with hands out catching snow flakes in my hands and eating home made bread with golllops and gollops of butter on it. In those moments I see who I am. In those moments I am free from all that has held me captured and in those moments I catch a glimpse of how God wants me to be. Inside all of us is a person waiting to burst out waiting to fly high like a robin bird flying to it's branch, there we are simply the person who God wants you and me to be. I wish you all days of freedom, days where you find you, days where you can see glimpses of hope and days where that day is just the beginning. A new freedom...where you and I accept it is alright to be you, because you are more than enough for God.

Brexit Shame. Notes from my pocket

Brexit I will have to say strongly my family and I were happy to say we supported the exit of the United Kingdom from the EU. However since Friday mornings announcement I believe there has been nothing but shameful behavior on both sides. Donald Trump stood in Scotland and answered questions to do with the Brexit saying: Donald J. Trump ✔ @realDonaldTrump "Just arrived in Scotland. Place is going wild over the vote. They took their country back, just like we will take America back. No games!" It amazes me that people point and laugh at Mr.Trump however he was perhaps the only one person who stood and said something to be proud of on Brexit day. He did not diminish the right for people to make their own decision about their country. Mr. Obama however who had said that England would be at the back on the line when visiting prior to the actual vote and count then on Friday decided to change his view and say President Barack Obama said Friday that the U.K. vote to leave the European Union would not change the “special relationship” the country has with the United States. But Mr. Trumps view stayed the same that England was better to have it's country back and Mr. Obama changed his view. The leave party said hardly anything they did not address the fears of both sides of the nation in it's hour of need and Mr. Cameron decided to resign which meant that leaving would be postponed until a new Prime Minister came into power. There was nothing to assure to the world that the United Kingdom was United yes in votes we were divided but it was the place of these men who asked the country to vote to calm the nations fear. Scotland's Prime Minister has now continued to create in my opinion utter fear yes Scotland voted out but they are still part of the United Kingdom it is her place to calm the fears get behind the vote and move on. AS a parent one does not say to a child that has cut themselves hold on while I get my back up it, it will be four months a parent steps up to the plate and calms the fears of that child. Life does not always allow us the luxury to say something or have a four month to do nothing. A person dying does not have the chance to say hold on their life is counting down and like it or not their time is going to be gone. Christ did not turn His back on us He died on the cross for us. Churchill did not say to the Dunkirk evacuation stay there I will come back to you in four months. Nor did King George after his brothers abdication say no I don't want to do that. In life we often have to think on our feet and do what is best. Yes this is the United Kingdom but as a single mother who makes decisions daily of how I can survive I find it shameful the behavior of the country's political powers to not unit the nation and calm the fears of it's people. Fear is the root of destruction. The EU is right get on with it United Kingdom. I say to those people in power perhaps the common person has more clue than all of you, a single mother would not let her child be standing in fear for over three days but would have got up regardless of her own fears and calmed her child. SO Bloody get on with it and make our nation proud not living in Fear while you all grow up.

Brexit. Notes from my pocket

Brexit the name that has created fear across the United kingdom and the world. As a divorced woman I lived in fear for years and at times when things get tough I return back to that in my mind of being fearful of what is going to happen. The reality is freedom comes by telling fear where to go. I am not saying life is always that simple. But often what we fear the most can be a blessing. Think if we lived in fear all our lives countries would not have been found, the moon would never have been visited, I would never have got on a plane and people would still think the world was square. The move to Brexit was a decision by a nation,it was a decision called to by the Prime Minister of England and sometimes in life it does not always go your way. Instead of people complaining and pointing the finger and quitting they should view change is good. Change can mean new things can happen, better things can be achieved, new dreams made. For me I became a better person, for me life was not always on about wondering how one person was going to react to me. Brexit is like a divorce, many people have walked through divorce and lived and actually live a happier life. Fear is the devil of lies. So I say Wake up United Kingdom and make your country proud change has been decided now embrace the good what will happen. Rome was not built in one day neither were wars won in one day but life moves on. Churchill brought a nation together and so the United Kingdom will live again. Just as I have lived again. Thank you Brexit for showing me that I can move on. So move on United kingdom and make us proud.

Notes from my pocket: Single mothers on fathers day.

We all want to be loved, from the moment we are born we are forever searching for Love. We grow up in homes that might well give us that love we are seeking or perhaps like me you were brought up in a home where your parents argued 24/7. My parents divorced when I was 15. I was 26 when I got married I thought that by marrying someone who was I thought so more outgoing than me I would find love but the longer I stayed in the longer I found me losing my own identity and all of a sudden my dreams were just lost. Lies upon lies deception upon deception and feeling like everything I had value had to change. 18 years on divorced in another country and two kids. Loneliness hit like so many other single mum's. We question were we not good enough, why couldn't someone love me. Bills come and bills go and this pressure of hearing someone say your not good enough rings through your brain. It amazes me looking back how my own mother is still alive she divorced after 26 years and then her own son pulled her to pieces she has nothing in fact poverty and her walk hand in hand yet the days she is nice she is one of the most amazing women that I know. She has walked streets with only 10 pence in her pocket yet she still keeps going. Me I have tried to sell cupcakes, dog bow ties and written kids stories you name it I have tried. Yet the single mother and her journey is a very lonely journey the weight of bills of playing a double duty parent lays heavy. I am not alone our roads cross in the super market and our journey is of survival. The fathers we wanted for our kids to have may never exists yet we must press on knowing that there is a day that all our tears will not be in vain and that the times we felt so alone perhaps indeed God was carrying us. Fathers Day to me means what I wanted so much to be loved by my dad and my ex is found in someone who does care for me. It is true I wished to God that I could go back to England, buy new glasses and not worry about money, but above all that i wish I could give back to all us single mum's and just some how give them hope. Today 6 years on I place online my wedding dress a day of hope I thought, well perhaps it was i gained two amazing kids and to be honest if I had not gone through all this pain maybe I would not have seen who I was. Go find yourself, you maybe a single mum but you girl are amazing the strength that a single mother has is like a lion defending her cub it is like a wind calming the storm and it is truly like an Angel who may have been bruised in battle yet can still fly and above all a phoenix that flies out of the ashes. Go fly.

Please Dad....notes from my pocket

Many of us have watched the movie "Oliver" and heard those familiar words being said when Oliver asks for more food, "Please Sir". Perhaps many of us can relate to Oliver. As a child, I don't really remember doing too much with my Dad. I went on walks and I love those memories, but perhaps for me and my two siblings, we felt like Oliver asking, "Please Dad spend some time with us." As an adult, I feel like that most of the time with my Dad when I talk to him. A part of me has grown to just accept that he has time for himself and very little time for my life. Sad reality many children feel like this by their dad. Those from divorced homes feel like that: they are begging their dad to just really love them, without their Dad going on about himself. Truth is we all need a dad to love us and often our own dad cannot and does not live up to our expectations and needs. What to do? I have found myself thinking about this. Truth is when our Dads have nothing to give us, our hearts do not have to feel empty. God alone can fill the gap: it is not easy, as the gap is like a huge ocean and hearts are often so hurt. I do believe little by little if we trust in God that massive void can be filled with trust and so when we say, "Please Dad," we will not receive a bowl full of excuses or manipulation but a peace that we are going to be all right. I wished I had a magic wand to fill all the voids; however my wand would only bring a moment of healing. I know through all my tears that My Dad, my true Father (God), is the only One that truly will love and make me know that my void in my life is for Him to fill and for Him to guide me. Don't let one man leave your life with a void, instead allow one Father to carry you and fill your life.

Reservations: Notes in my pocket

As a single mum I often look back and think about things. When I got married in 1993 I had a few reservations of was I doing the right thing. I did not want to let anyone down. My mum, brother and sister would be in the same room together the first time in years. Did I want to blow that. So I went through with my marriage. I had reservations on my honeymoon finding out that no hotel was booked for our first night as a couple nor was there money saved for our adventures in Scotland my marriage started on not a solid ground but ones of walking the streets in Scotland arguing. One could say that indeed there was not much of a honey moon bliss. I was always so concentrated on paying down debt I became a blur to who I was. In the background I had a sense things were not right but the thought of being alone my life and been divorced like my parents kept me from thinking I could survive without being married. I was told along my marriage road how one had to suck it up I was the Christian and in my heart I thought being a Christian does not mean you are walked over. Maybe it did to some, but I kept quite. No reservations or regrets when I became a mum of two wonderful girls. The only reservation was how could I keep going when I knew things were wrong. I now lived 3000 miles from home, so the thought of not been able to get home kept me often from speaking up. I decided that he needed his parents more than my love for my country, church, family and friends and the places that I loved so with a heavy heart I boarded a plane twice actually. I had the chance to stay but his love for his family appeared so great and after all this was forever being married and so I could do this right. In 2011 I became the very thing I dreaded a single mum in America. Wow what a wake up call no one wanted to help me navigate the justice system in truth I am not sure if there is a justice system for single mothers. You are shoved into this pool trying to navigate it all alone and praying to God you get somewhere. I had told God over a year prior that I would not file divorce so Christmas 2010 I stood on my front porch with a police man saying sorry to do this and divorce papers were handed to me. I said it was not his fault indeed it was God's answer to move on. I wanted to go and contest it but had no grounds. Life was and did move on.Along this now five year road I have lost my brother, my sister got really ill, my mum nearly had a stroke I reconnected with my dad, gone to food banks, cried many a tears and to be honest got exhausted but through it all I have no regrets that I stood firm in loving my daughters. I stood there saying forgive even when at times I wanted to shout at God and say why this was all happening this was not the road I wanted. A wedding dress I brought all boxed up and preserved now just memories of what I should have done listened to an almighty God. Perhaps I should have not got married perhaps in all those times I should have said God have your will. But this single mum living 3000 miles from home says No, indeed I wished I had prayed more back then. But not for one moment do I have any regrets for being able to bring into the world to amazing girls who love God and who have changed my world for the better. I have no regrets in wanting to change the world and reach out to other women who are hurting just like i have and do. I have no reservations in my heart that God who has seen it all and see's it all has not given up on the little girl who use to sit on a chair saying she wanted everyone to be happy gayeous and joyeous at five years old as her parents argued and argued until they divorced ten years latter 26 years of marriage stopped and life moved on. See a reservation is saying you at that time are going to be somewhere as I now listen about reservations been made for dinners as my ex goes out with his new girlfriend I tell myself I have no reservations in my heart that even though I cry and feel alone God has brought me this far see it might hurt and I might cry but a new day is coming and no reservations have to be made God has it all planned out. From the moment I said to God that we were going to start up a business called Inspiring You Outfits I knew God had a plan. Now how that plan will work out I have no idea but I believe He holds my hand tight. https://www.facebook.com/inspiringyououtfits/app/251458316228/?ref=page_internal Every woman who is a single mum has regrets I often find myself walking the streets of England in my mind so wanting to be home. But ladies we are so much stronger than regrets we have a reservation with God to sit at His table to be comforted by Him and to walk with Him into an amazing future. As I sit here I tell myself this as I am telling you don't live in regrets of what could have been forgive and continue to forgive and sit at the reserved table that God has for you and your future because in my heart I believe God has good in store if only we stop and believe that by holding onto Him He will make our future better no regrets and only one thing a reservation to live a life with the King of Kings.

Notes in my pockets: Forgiveness is not just for others but otherselves.

Forgiveness is not always easy.Perhaps it is almost easier to forgive someone else rather

than to look in the mirror and say I forgive myself. I found myself this weekend reflecting on the many times I had not forgiven myself about things. I realized that to move on in life and not be bound by just sadness of what I wished things had been I had to stop and forgive myself. I realized that although I had asked forgiveness from others the person who I still had not forgiven was the very person I looked at every day. It is indeed alright to forgive yourself indeed it is healthy to let go and say God I forgive myself nothing selfish about it. In reflecting on forgiving myself I started to think how my life would look if I forgave myself perhaps I could move on from my job and actually start my own business perhaps all the tears I cried could encourage others. It isn't perhaps but it is yes you can and yest they will. Forgiveness is the key to healing your own heart but it is also the key to allow you to walk forward to a healthier and better future. The only person who yourself back is you. I can say each day when I hear lies I forgive myself. I know that God has great things in store for me. We all make mistakes but we can all ask God to forgive us and leave those mistakes at His feet even if we keep on having to put them down at His feet eventually I believe we will leave them there. So go live a Victorious life forgiven and Whole in Christ.

Notes in my pocket. Inspiring You Outfits. https://www.facebook.com/inspiringyououtfits/app/251458316228/?ref=page_internal

Years ago I wanted to be a fashion designer. I would draw all the time. Somehow who I wanted to be got lost in life until recently. Inspiring You Outfits is a page on Facebook and Twitter. On Facebook, you can buy each outfit, all under $25. My inspiration to set up a page where you could buy great second-hand clothes at great prices really came from being a single mum. I have found a love for fashion again but being on a budget does not mean that I can't buy some nice things. I am now able to buy clothes that represent me but still in my budget. The idea for Inspiring You Outfits is to inspire women to go out, dream dreams, and do great things as well as looking great at the same time. We can become women that inspire others to change the world. So take a look at this page and be inspired to make your dreams come true. I know I am. https://www.facebook.com/inspiringyououtfits/app/251458316228/?ref=page_internal

Notes in my pocket. Love.

I was talking to my mum this weekend she will be eighty six this year. Her and I are both divorced. It so touched my heart what she said, "My dad loved me, my mum did not want another child and all I wanted all my life was to be loved, I still do." I thought how similar her and I were she has a huge heart honestly and last year I got to see her but I did not see her first and often she has not been first rather the second or third person in my life. I thought of how I send her food every now and again now, but when I lived in England I sent nothing. Life is really short do we as Christians really show love or do we so often think about ourselves. We hear of someone in need of food our freezer is full yet we cannot even bother to call them up and ask "what can I do to help." Many are not in a position to help others yet it is often those people that do the most. A woman at nearly eighty six still wanting a simple thing called Love yet how many people show that on a daily basis. I think so often we smile a smile yet show nothing. Words are cheap actions speak loud volumes when you have no food on the table. A friend paid for my car to get fixed last week not because they had to but because they cared. It is people that love you no matter what that show real love I have a family that love me good and ugly they love me the same. My mum I don't think has ever felt that love she is just one person in this world how many others do we ignore. I say don't be the status quo actually show love to others because you want to change a person to help them understand that they do matter that you do care and that they are loved. Isn't that what Jesus would have done!

Notes from my pocket: Release to God and gain your soul..

I have been divorced for six years now I believe wow how time flies. The picture of my family and I on a swingset the day it was finalized are just like yesterday in my mind. A lot has happened in those years and a lot has changed. I have felt at times as though I was continually fighting a battle to survive. Yesterday a friend emailed me saying how she felt God tell her for me to pray to release my ex husband. I replied Ok. Not giving it much thought. Until latter on that day when I thought what release meant. It meant the idea of been married for now had gone. It meant in my mind I was alone it made me think of how alone I had felt a lot of my life. Release meant all the hurt I had felt I had to be given to God, did He really have this under control. Would all the tears I had cried really mean anything if I said that I release this person. In writing back and forth that night to my friend and tears running down my face. I hit reality that it was time for me to move on in my life, time for me to live. She was right I had become what people wanted me to be losing who I was along the way. Who was I now? What did I want to be? Could I really retrace and make dreams come true 33 years on from a dream I had at 16 to be a fashion designer. I found myself believing that in releasing my ex that I could now move on and dream my new dream and that my life could actually be about defining me. I woke up at 3am just saying I release you and on the way to work. Feeling like a person hugging me and the day appeared lighter and that there would be hope once and for all in my life. Even when I got home and stress appeared to abound I felt a peace. Perhaps in truth I was not alone that for once and for all I was been given my own life back and allowed to feel love surround me. It is not that you release that person and they get away with things I think to be honest it is that you release people so that you can live. Freedom to find peace and say God I trust you and here where I am alone hold me, hug me and love me. It is in a small way like nailing all your pain to the cross and saying God here is all my sin and in that moment you are indeed set free. Most of my life has been patterned by not being good enough or how others wanted me to be. When reality I was alright I just decided along the way to believe in lies and hold onto all the hurt. I know one thing is for sure God has great things in store for Me and I walk not alone but into an amazing future. I will dream big, dance in the rain and love the beach houses in Wells next the sea in England. I will dream of one day flying a plane and of one day being a fashion designer and I will also know in my heart I Lisa am Loved. I really encourage you to release people and in doing so you will indeed gain your own heart, soul and mind back. Find your own you you deserve it...because you are amazing, I know I am and I will be amazing.

Notes in my pocket. The true meaning of Valentines day.

If I think of what the true meaning of Valentine's Day is I think of the old fashioned cards that people used to send each other, and then there is the handkerchief with initials on it. I think it was all so sweet. Today Valentine's is so commercialized with cards, chocolate and flowers. How much thought I wonder has gone into these items that are bought. This year we sent my mum some food, thinking of how we wished we were with her and how she could tell us how she had eaten too much cake and what she liked. It was lovely for us to give to someone else and think of how Valentine's is not all about us getting a gift but more in how we could bless someone else. Hearing my mum's happy voice down the phone made me feel blessed that in some small way we could provide her with some joy. Valentine's Day is more than the red flowers and chocolate: it is truly when you think of blessing someone else, seeing how someone who is perhaps alone can feel some love. There are so many people that need that bit of love: it could be a hug, a word of encouragement, food or a phone call. That to me is the true Valentine's. If I look at Christ, to me, He is the ultimate Valentine a man that we should continually look up to and say even when our hearts are broken that in Him we find true love, our true Valentine's and our true source of what love should be, totally unconditional and always willing to love the unlovable. May you find a person to bless this Valentine's and see that by blessing someone else, your heart is truly full of love like no other. Happy Valentine's.

Notes in my pocket...Valentine's Day.

Notes in my pocket...Valentine's Day is a few days away and for many it is a tough day. As a divorcee, I will have to say Valentine's Day is more than the flowers and romance. It is indeed finding a person who has true integrity not just a smile and a card for that day. Love can last a moment but when you find a person who is honest and has true integrity then you have found the true Valentine. A card can bring a smile and a card can bring a tear: it is finding that special person that loves you for you, and they want the very best for you. It is not just found in a man or a boyfriend: it can be found in your child's smile or found in a friend's laugh. Valentine's is a symbol of love and it is a time we need to reflect about the people we love. Valentine's does not have to be a day one dreads, but it can be a day we embrace and thank God who truly loves us. So this Valentine's Day, think of all the people that truly love you, that have integrity and honesty. Then you will see Valentine's Day can be special whatever the circumstances.

Notes in my pocket. Integrity...or not !

I sit here truly bothered by two people I know and how they say one thing and yet do another. Have we in our society become so numb about people not to have integrity and being a man/woman of our word? Are we as humans so wrapped up in our own worlds that we forget the true value of being honest? My friend Rick has helped us out for many years fixing things in my house, Thank God, and today as I stood there with my list and listening to the air condition and not seeing the fan go on, it was so assuring that this man was a man of integrity, not wanting any praise, just an honest God worthy man that wanted to help me. My friend Mike is an amazing man of God. When I am around him and his wife I feel safe, I feel they want the best for me. I have watched him for years as he loves and cares for his family not wishing them harm but loving them and caring for them. It is not in saying one thing and doing another that we find ourselves but in giving of ourselves even when we have nothing to give and knowing in our hearts that even when tough days come that we tried our best. The mirror may show you one way but if we were to take a mirror and see our hearts, our intentions what would that mirror show. Have we numbed out the voice inside us that tells the truth or just numbed ourselves in believing a lie? Integrity or not, truth or lie questions that we have to choose every single day. If I was to die tomorrow what would people say about me when no one was there! Just a note to think...you choose what person you truly are...so what will you be...!

Remember at the end of the day God knows what you hide and what you are truly.

Notes in my pocket. Love of mum...harsh reality of divorce...

Notes in my pocket. 2016 here it is in all it's glory. As I head back to my job as a cashier one day a week and 2 days at a preschool and two at college I feel that gutted feeling I felt when I became a single mum. The one thing that hit me in the gutt when I became a single mum was I could no longer be the mum that was at home all the time. I questioned why I had not spent my time wiser with taking classes online and getting some qualification to allow me to work from home, but I was always trying to encourage my then husband to lose weight and assure him that he could do anything. The reality was I was no cheer leader for myself. Since being a single mum I have only started buying things for me and daring to think I could look pretty in clothes in the passed few years. My hair is still pretty much the same and I still wear little make up, but I love been a girly girl for a moment walking in thrift stores or looking online and even stores and feeling like I am alright I can buy something for me. My biggest loss by far has been the fact of not been there as much as I wished I could have been for my girls. I see like an hour glass time slipping by and I am scared I wished I could have done so much more for them. My mum she will be 86 this year she keeps telling me I cannot get another cat it will out live me. My heart sinks she has been my cheer leader and love and hate her I would be lost without her. Since I was 12 I have feared her dying, she is amazing a woman like no other and a woman I so wished with all my heart I could bless. If I had a magic wand I would bless her so much because in my eyes she is amazing. Divorce can tear us mum's in two and it can hit to the very core all that we valued is gone security in money, wondering how to pay the bills and wishing you could be oh so much, the main security in God you often question when life just appears to be overwhelming you and you so hold onto the cheer leaders that God has placed in your life. My mum lost oh so much yet that woman today is an amazing woman who has found the greatest gift to be content when she has nothing. Life is short and I have no idea where mine will end up but to all those amazing single, widow mum's I tell you what we have lost on this earth God has surely seen and I do know that one day all those hurting pages and tears will be no more. In Him I know He will make us Brave even when Brave appears impossible. Go be Brave this year and know that all is not in vain. I love you girls and I love you mum always and forever and oh so much.