Love you Mum

My mum turned 91 today,I got to facetime her I felt so blessed to see her wonderful smile. As a teen I was not always the nicest to her and I even ran away from home. At times she has not been the nicest to me. But since I was seven I have wanted her to live forever. She is the bravest woman I know, she I would give the moon too. She has cheered me some days and others not. As I watched her today with an ache me heart. I wished I never moved away, I learnt a lot but I wished I could have made so many more memories with her. I wished I could go back in time take away all the words I said that were nasty and just love her like Christ. She's lived a very hard life and she has not been perfect. I will hold you in my heart forever, love you for eternity. I wished I could go back and make more memories, I wished I could hug you tight tell you are amazing and that you mean the world to me not what has happend. I will love you Mum forever and eternity.

But to me she will always be an Angel and when all is said and done she will always forever be my hero and my mum XXx

The world in silence 2020

We are a few months into 2021, and the rush to get life moving has ramped up no end. I see COVID slightly differently. The world in silence came to an abrupt halt, much like the silence when Christ breathed His last breathe. Last year, places where tourists roamed, now animals roamed-- the silence that stopped the world, shock us all to the bones or did it? In that, silence saw death and saw lives changed. For many in caused them to stop and think to take a breath to see the wonder around us for others it was desperation to get back to the so called norm of years gone by forgetting just maybe God had stopped the world to show how in the silence we can see things more clearly. To see that in the silence, we could just perhaps hear His voice. Six feet apart and wearing a mask no longer seeing a person's smile or facial expressions but turning ourselves to question life. How many want to go back to life as norm? I for one do not. In my silence and life changing situations of 2020, I see that God had a plan and if we rush to have stadiums full and to go back to life as the norm, or so they say, just maybe we miss out on seeing the greatest life changing lessons that we can learn. On a cross, Christ was alone: the world took a breathe last year, yet the world rushes for a quick fix answer, but perhaps just maybe it's simple. Be still and know that I am God. In that and that alone, surely that is enough.

COVID-19 Lessons

COVID 19 In a world where everyone has lived in an instant mindset that many have lost the value of appreciating life, we have found ourselves in 2020 in COVID 19 the pandemic that struck this world. Graduates and high school seniors felt that their lives were robbed, and others complained that the grocery stores were not opened 24/7. Yet in WWII people knew no ending just like COVID and hey technology was non-existent. The comradeship of life to do something for others was rallied together in my England. One can say COVID blame the Chinese blame anyone other than thinking what opportunities can come from this pandemic. Get out walk see the beauty around you. Encourage someone else. Yet after a few weeks the Baptists are hailing victory as they can go back to church. It’s not about if you are a Baptist or another religion it’s seeing that this situation can bring actual healing to the world. The environment stopped and flourished while many sat at home and complained the countryside yarned and smelt not diesel but the fresh air and did not complain. It is sad that Prom didn’t come but maybe there was an opportunity to reach out to make new friends to see that the world you lived in could be changed by a song you wrote. Just maybe Prom was meant to be seen in what you could give instead of what a person could take. Tony Blair an ex-Prime Minister of England said that there is so much to learn from these times. His right I go to the local grocery store and see people not happy because they have to stand six feet a part and others petitioning that the bill of rights is not being adhered to. Others stand arguing in nurses’ faces. Those nurses who struggle to keep the faith and save lives in a new world which hasn’t gotten answers. Yet you complain and say you have rights while they have seen people dying. Jimmy Fallon maybe stuck at home but his happy family making the most of it all laughing about life and being honest of how life has changed, why can’t we see the good instead of hey let’s go to the grocery store again for the thousandth time. Let’s be honest the value of life is not brought in a store. It’s from seeing that this is an opportunity to actually really care. The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy so well explains in his book that is a great read from 5- when you die of how we should value who we are. It’s not in how many likes on Facebook or how many emoticons I get sent me. It’s seeing that a person is valued and that they have worth. Is COVID 19 from hell no hey things come and go but it is from hell if you don’t let go of of all your complaints and see that others can reap from encouraging words of love. It’s seeing the value in nature in a smile in a puddle it’s so much more than a church full of people it’s people actually loving each other when they can’t sing a song together. It’s connection in a new world it’s not saying what you haven’t got but valuing what you have got it’s seeing that the world has beauty and that the world might have changed but did you change or did you just complain. 2020 like no other what does your story say …. One of courage and good or the other you get to write the pages. COVID 19 a history maker like no other one of good to many, hope for others and a world that has the chance to change for the better for others.

My Little Women

I never ever thought I was good enough to have children so when I had two amazing daughters I felt I had won the moon and Heavens. Ironically when I was pregnant with my first daughter Little women with Winona Ryder that was the CD that I listened to and loved so much. I was in England my home and my little girl came home to a Winnie the Pooh decorated room I was happy little me, little her. Then came my second daughter six years later miles away from home now in America no one came over Little me and now two little them. Life has a tendency to keep ticking and as time went on I became a single mum. I did want to give up any time with them I choose to keep going no matter what, my little women dancing at night singing to our hearts wanted to cry, laughing at silliness, snowmen were drawn on the floor in the height of summer as flour was scattered. We danced in the rain, collected clothes and food for those in need. Yard sale after yard sale making homeschool our reality. We were survivors when the world said that we would not survive I cheered them on and they cheered me to believe. My Little Women how I wanted time to be captured to stop to freeze, from songs being sung to Christmas decorations hung I wanted them to stay my Little Women. We choose to fight a battle to keep going when odds said not to believe. Why not I said we have nothing to lose and so we fought an often lonely battle. My little Women who gave up often their childhood to believe that we all could succeed. Ironic isn't it as this chapter marches on a new Little Women is now in the theatres I am not pregnant listening to the songs, I am me crying heart wondering what the next chapter holds. My Little Women, all grown up. No singing on a deck, no hair in the bathtub no shouting to vacuum our chapter now ending a new one beginning.

, or singing in the rain. The new chapter calls to be written My Little Women yes My Little women now or grown and me Little me holding onto to those amazing memories. You made me Me girls, you my Little women I am so proud of you. Love you Mama XX

Storms and life

I have felt like many that I have been in a massive storm all my life, from childhood, divorce it has been a fight. Last year we stepped out and committed to staying in one church, serving and doing our best. Then this year we stepped out again committing to having a small group in our home and serving in another campus. Today I was told my contract ends, I am the one bringing in the money the one who's shoulders feel very heavy laden, but in it all, I say God will fight my battle. God damn it I might be weary but come on God fight that battle for me. It's a true fact that to serve God you lay down your life. I just wanted to go back to England, I just wanted to run down those rolling hills. But in every table being turned in my life this year. I truly say God fight my battle. It's in the moments that tears our in my heart the pain and joys of life. That truly what is aksing God for money what is it all about. It is in every breath me knowing that God is going to provide.

You might as well be dead.... What a bloody lie.

There's the time you just want to be loved by your family when you're feeling overwhelmed. You pick up the phone and there is silence and then the tone they heard your voice the phone is hung up. It's another ring another slam. You sit crying what the hell went wrong It's accusations which aren't true, it's told you're not good enough, you've done this and that all lies and there simply not true. You question the past and you wonder what was the truth. The phone call of loneliness the phone call of pride. Kelly Clarkson wrote a song about how she traveled fifteen hundred miles to see her dad In 'Piece by Piece' well Kelly I beat that I traveled over three thousand miles to see a man who I just wanted to love me. I waited all my life to hear him say he loved me. I heard him lie, tear us all down, beat my brother and I was a pawn in his game money given just so my mum would see me again. Yet I forgave I sat and listened to his lies, I loved the time I saw you Dad I said with tears rolling down my eyes. Yet a year later and I was not good enough another woman and oh so many lies. I heard my brother crying down the phone, how he wasn't good enough he had not done enough for his wife who died, he just wasn't enough he felt, he had listened to all the lies. Then the phone call he had taken his life. There's the time you just sit crying on the floor, you've called everybody to get your mum home from the hospital, you've woken up early you've done it all over 3,000 miles away. Yet all you get is your not good enough. A joyful cry as your parents say we've thrown all your school books away all the photos of your once life, you're told that there, not yours and that you don't really matter. There's this aching feeling that you should have taken more when you saw your mum or what the hell did I do wrong. In reality there's nothing you could have done. Nobody knows all you've gone through is so true. A song with lyrics telling others nobody knows what someone goes through. It's a time you grief through, it's a time your alone. An Israelite in the desert searching for a home. You see your pain in a shattered mirror, you want to shake the glass and make it all straight again. It's the voices from the past and the battle in the present. It's looking in the eyes of Jesus to make it all better. It's a bloody battle I say I am not better off dead, I've fought this battle and I'll stand and bloody fight. You might not see me as Jesus does you might say I am bloody well not good enough, but in His eyes I am good enough. I might not have a mansion I might be on food stamps and little to my name, but I'll fight this bloody battle, to hell with all your words one day they too will be shattered and like my childhood memories and pain the ones where I felt I was not enough and the ones when I was an adult when you lied and just pulled me down there be like the grains of the sand cast into the ocean no more at my feet no more apart of me, no more my pain. You may tare me and my children down but all those bloody lies and all those scars we've carried God only knows His going to make it better. You might as well be dead they say....No I'll fight this bloody battle to the end...Because to the many who have said that I am not good enough I am telling you what a Bloody lie. See we count...and I'll travel my whole life fighting that battle.

Single parenting the desert, the Isralites made it so why the hell not me !!

Before I was a single parent I never thought twice about really how hard that job was. My mum got divorced when I was fifteen I was over the moon and her road was a very tough one for sure. Looking back people have made their opinions and said what could have should have been done. Over thirty-seven years have passed and I have been a single mum for over ten years. Many women are single parents even if they are not divorced they carry so much alone fighting battles without any help. Never underestimate the power of a woman. It is so true. I was a quiet child my goal to sort out my parent's issues and arguments. As a single parent, I learned that with or without a voice it was a battle. Everyone has an opinion about you yet hardly any an answer no direction just their views. It is like someone said to me like the Israelites walking in the desert you keep walking your kids to the side, you tell yourself I know one day we will get out of there, I might as well die trying. The sands hit your face you feel drained beaten and alone but God damn it you hold your kid's hands tighter and you just keep on bloody walking. Surely there is relief in sight. The world around you trudges on your storm circles you like the sands in the desert no bracing yourself for another and another but you just keep trudging on your feet slip the sand pulls you down yet you look into others eyes I can make it can't I hope they have an answer hoping God will hear you and get you home. Your the one trying to escape the firing line hearing the fog horn trying to get you home. I mean if I had for once thought of how hard been a single mum was I would have given so much more compassion to those women. It's screwdriver in one hand, books in another, bills and stress and just thinking if God can lead Moses through the desert then why not the hell me. So think twice before you judge us single mums were a fighting machine, tired weary and maybe not always prepared for battle but God only knows that Promise Land that was promised to Moses is ours and were claiming it.I'll fight to the end, getting through my Israelite experience my lost in the forest my beaten by the storm. I may feel my feet sinking but just as a child I'll keep walking remembering that God did not forget Mose and He ain't going to forget me. So I'll hold on with negativity around me holding tighter to my girls and walking on because that Promise Land it's ours and God doesn't forget his people nor me.After all were British and God we know how to fight.