Storms and life

I have felt like many that I have been in a massive storm all my life, from childhood, divorce it has been a fight. Last year we stepped out and committed to staying in one church, serving and doing our best. Then this year we stepped out again committing to having a small group in our home and serving in another campus. Today I was told my contract ends, I am the one bringing in the money the one who's shoulders feel very heavy laden, but in it all, I say God will fight my battle. God damn it I might be weary but come on God fight that battle for me. It's a true fact that to serve God you lay down your life. I just wanted to go back to England, I just wanted to run down those rolling hills. But in every table being turned in my life this year. I truly say God fight my battle. It's in the moments that tears our in my heart the pain and joys of life. That truly what is aksing God for money what is it all about. It is in every breath me knowing that God is going to provide.

You might as well be dead.... What a bloody lie.

There's the time you just want to be loved by your family when you're feeling overwhelmed. You pick up the phone and there is silence and then the tone they heard your voice the phone is hung up. It's another ring another slam. You sit crying what the hell went wrong It's accusations which aren't true, it's told you're not good enough, you've done this and that all lies and there simply not true. You question the past and you wonder what was the truth. The phone call of loneliness the phone call of pride. Kelly Clarkson wrote a song about how she traveled fifteen hundred miles to see her dad In 'Piece by Piece' well Kelly I beat that I traveled over three thousand miles to see a man who I just wanted to love me. I waited all my life to hear him say he loved me. I heard him lie, tear us all down, beat my brother and I was a pawn in his game money given just so my mum would see me again. Yet I forgave I sat and listened to his lies, I loved the time I saw you Dad I said with tears rolling down my eyes. Yet a year later and I was not good enough another woman and oh so many lies. I heard my brother crying down the phone, how he wasn't good enough he had not done enough for his wife who died, he just wasn't enough he felt, he had listened to all the lies. Then the phone call he had taken his life. There's the time you just sit crying on the floor, you've called everybody to get your mum home from the hospital, you've woken up early you've done it all over 3,000 miles away. Yet all you get is your not good enough. A joyful cry as your parents say we've thrown all your school books away all the photos of your once life, you're told that there, not yours and that you don't really matter. There's this aching feeling that you should have taken more when you saw your mum or what the hell did I do wrong. In reality there's nothing you could have done. Nobody knows all you've gone through is so true. A song with lyrics telling others nobody knows what someone goes through. It's a time you grief through, it's a time your alone. An Israelite in the desert searching for a home. You see your pain in a shattered mirror, you want to shake the glass and make it all straight again. It's the voices from the past and the battle in the present. It's looking in the eyes of Jesus to make it all better. It's a bloody battle I say I am not better off dead, I've fought this battle and I'll stand and bloody fight. You might not see me as Jesus does you might say I am bloody well not good enough, but in His eyes I am good enough. I might not have a mansion I might be on food stamps and little to my name, but I'll fight this bloody battle, to hell with all your words one day they too will be shattered and like my childhood memories and pain the ones where I felt I was not enough and the ones when I was an adult when you lied and just pulled me down there be like the grains of the sand cast into the ocean no more at my feet no more apart of me, no more my pain. You may tare me and my children down but all those bloody lies and all those scars we've carried God only knows His going to make it better. You might as well be dead they say....No I'll fight this bloody battle to the end...Because to the many who have said that I am not good enough I am telling you what a Bloody lie. See we count...and I'll travel my whole life fighting that battle.

Single parenting the desert, the Isralites made it so why the hell not me !!

Before I was a single parent I never thought twice about really how hard that job was. My mum got divorced when I was fifteen I was over the moon and her road was a very tough one for sure. Looking back people have made their opinions and said what could have should have been done. Over thirty-seven years have passed and I have been a single mum for over ten years. Many women are single parents even if they are not divorced they carry so much alone fighting battles without any help. Never underestimate the power of a woman. It is so true. I was a quiet child my goal to sort out my parent's issues and arguments. As a single parent, I learned that with or without a voice it was a battle. Everyone has an opinion about you yet hardly any an answer no direction just their views. It is like someone said to me like the Israelites walking in the desert you keep walking your kids to the side, you tell yourself I know one day we will get out of there, I might as well die trying. The sands hit your face you feel drained beaten and alone but God damn it you hold your kid's hands tighter and you just keep on bloody walking. Surely there is relief in sight. The world around you trudges on your storm circles you like the sands in the desert no bracing yourself for another and another but you just keep trudging on your feet slip the sand pulls you down yet you look into others eyes I can make it can't I hope they have an answer hoping God will hear you and get you home. Your the one trying to escape the firing line hearing the fog horn trying to get you home. I mean if I had for once thought of how hard been a single mum was I would have given so much more compassion to those women. It's screwdriver in one hand, books in another, bills and stress and just thinking if God can lead Moses through the desert then why not the hell me. So think twice before you judge us single mums were a fighting machine, tired weary and maybe not always prepared for battle but God only knows that Promise Land that was promised to Moses is ours and were claiming it.I'll fight to the end, getting through my Israelite experience my lost in the forest my beaten by the storm. I may feel my feet sinking but just as a child I'll keep walking remembering that God did not forget Mose and He ain't going to forget me. So I'll hold on with negativity around me holding tighter to my girls and walking on because that Promise Land it's ours and God doesn't forget his people nor me.After all were British and God we know how to fight.