Surreal.

Surreal,that time that I feel right now. I have done yard sale after yard sale to raise money to go home, skrimped and saved. My children and I getting up making no money and others some. I have not been back to England for eight years, in that time my sister in law died and my brother as well, I got divorced and I started college. I have lost me and found me in a matter of time. I have seen my children grow up and time fall like sand fall through my hands. I have heard how others have gone home and seen and heard their stories. I am not suppose to be sad or mad but at times I have been. I have not seen my mum for eight years and some friends for over twenty. Yet next week I get on a plane and time starts ticking. I want to stop time I want to let everything go into slow motion I want to bottle every moment in my mind. I don't want it to slip through my hands and for me to be once again over 3000 miles from all of them and feeling at times so alone. I don't want to look at time and not know when I am going home again. I want to hold on tight to have someone love me and care about me and for my surreal moment in time to be forever and never end. It is I am not thankful, it's I am scared of not having this time again and not been able to make it by myself. The worries of money of roofs and not feeling the hug that love from some of the most wonderful people in my life that live so far away. Some would not understand, I say walk a mile in my shoes. So God please hold me tight and allow these moments to last not just a moment in time.

The Hand we are dealt.

Ever heard the saying don't judge others? It is a saying many of us have heard but so easy not to do. Many people have lost their jobs and if you read articles on the internet and in newspapers there are many more to be be lost this year. Many people have had medical issues and with the rising cost of insurance it is understandable that some may have not been able to keep up with the amounting cost of medical bills. Some may have thought that they would be married a lifetime sadly to end up divorced. Some have lost their loved ones. With all these situations the cards that were dealt to us have now been changed. Yet to many of us we stand and cast our opinions and our judgement and our solutions. In the Bible it talks about casting the first stone if you are without sin. I myself have many flaws. My advice is simple find a few good friends that will stand beside you and you can be accountable to that will love you, guide and listen to you through life being honest and allowing you to never lose who you are. Because even through all of lives different trials and different cards that have been handed to you I tell you two simple truths God always loves you and God will never let you go.

Just A....

A job title allows us the chance to say I am....you fill in the blanks, however so many of us say we are just...as if our job does not have any worth. I know of a cashier and a person who bags and cleans a store that to the world's eyes are just...in jobs of not much worth and of two young people who are just babysitters but are they? Let's look at the cashier, she entered the position after years of being a stay at home mother, no one would hire her other than a grocery store. Frightened by the thought of facing a world she did not know she put one foot in front of the other knowing that as a single mother she needed the money to survive. No degree, no experience just a drive to make sure food was on the table. As time went on things changed relationships with customers were made, old people and children gathered at her line as she joked smiled, sang Birthday songs and even prayed with them. Others came to her line looking down and the weight of the world on their shoulders a hand reached out in a time of need a prayer said and a simple caring smile made their day a little lighter and her life a little sweeter. Although no one saw it on management level her words were simple I pray with those people because I am answerable to God and God alone. To many just a cashier but to God oh so much more. A man bagging groceries sweeping the floors, to some just a person in a grocery store, but I say no. This man sings with a heart for God, continues to smile when his world is falling apart, when he has not much money, in rain and shine he carries out people's groceries not complaining but just thankful for his job. Thankful to share Christ with others. Management never see how much this man gives and no raise is given. But I say in God's eyes he serves a great God who sees his tears and hears his voice none are in vain. Two young people just babysitters to many watching kids and picking up toys. To many just a babysitter, until you see the smiles on those children's faces and you hear how thankful they are that these two young people care about them. Just a babysitter...no not just a babysitter two young people making up school work in the week and making sure that God gets all the praise. These are just four people what is your Just A story....I can tell you many. When you go out just look around none of us are Just A, we all wonderfully made into God's image and we are all and everything in Him. Don't believe the lies and don't let anyone tell you that you are Just A...because this is what you are A child of the living God who loves and adores you and you are someone to Him.

Trust

That small word that makes us think about who we are and who we are willing to allow into our lives. Trust can mean many things you trust someone with a secret, you have a trust fund set up for your kids, you trust someone to do something for you, but what happens when that little word is pushed to the limit and that word trust is just letters on your floor or fragments in your heart broken. Many say that honesty and trust run hand in hand many have persusive words to sweet talk but honesty is if you haven't built trust in a person then perhaps there is no honesty. Trust is accepting a person faults and all and loving those quirky things. I know of a situation when someone died and the trust fund that they left for their kids the rules behind were not carried through. That person may not be here but trust and honesty was not kept. When a person gets divorced trust is broken.No would ever think of comparing divorce with Christ's betrayal but in truth there are a lot of similarities in the fact the moment Judas betrayed trust was brooken and then his sweet talk Jesus saw through it all. In the same way in divorce those words of promise now mean nothing. I say Trust is a thing you can take tiny steps it might be like I did this week I started writing again. I trusted myself that it was alright to be hurt by someone's comment but now I was going to trust that I loved writing. I tell you that don't let one moment of mistrust destroy the person you can be.....You are worth so much more than that. When I look at Christ I see that He knew all what Judas was going to do but He trusted God that He had a big plan.. His plan is that in taking tiny steps you can not only Trust Him but you can live a life where your past does not run your future.. You are amazing I trust that you are going to do great things because...Trust means that every day we have the chance to make a new page and Trust that the pages can be beautiful, amazing and awesome...

Judge little forgive often.

Have you ever watched a court scene on the television or perhaps even seen one in person..the evidence is brought before a judge and he makes a judgement. People are not always so nice they cast judgement on us and others by our past mistakes thinking that they can play God. I use and still do at times find myself looking for some people to make mistakes so I can cast my own judgmental judgement. But there are many verses that tell us in the Bible not to judge others least we be judged ourselves. After going through a divorce and seeing many. I see in my own heart it is the need to look at ourselves and see how we can better our lives first before we start pointing the finger. Perhaps many of us cast the first stone on ourselves not allowing ourselves to feel God's grace of forgiveness. I will have to say having a few good friends to encourage and guide me has been a true blessing. It is not for us to cast the first stone it is more for us to look into another persons eyes and ask ourselves the question what indeed would Christ want us to do... So in closing judge little and forgive often you may find your life a lot happier.

To be loved by Him alone is enough

When a person is dating there is this happy feeling that one might feel. You feel like you are walking on air, you have a smile that no one can really take away. Some how life appears not so heavy.It's amazing though how when a person goes through a separation or divorce all of a sudden just hurt floods in. I often look back over many years of life wishing life had been different and wishing that my front porch was filled with two people wanting the same dream. But what is love...the age old question.. some say it is just a feeling, others grasp onto a fleeting moment in time...but let's be honest love is honesty even when things are bad that trust that a person has your back and that you can trust that they are telling you the truth. That feeling that even when the bills are flooding in that something that says you are going to be alright.... that moment you feel that arm around you when you say nothing but they tell you I know you are hurting I just want you to know that I care... In my life for sure I have had many a friend who has done that for me...I hope that some people can say that i was there for them...some say that is just being a friend, but not in my eyes you see a friend cares enough to love you and care for you it's more than just a friend it is a person who has gone the extra mile. I will have to say I did not always love people very much, I always saw more faults than good and I often looked at others and how they had such an amazing love for their spouse and oh how I cried for that. I still get sad when my world feels like it is caving in and I wished that I had that persons arm around my shoulder saying I love you and that everything was going to be alright..but perhaps one of the hardest things I ever faced in my life my brothers death taught me to love often and forgive oh so much more.Perhaps in his death I was given an amazing gift of Love the chance to see how i could love others. Often Love is not in a person it is in believing in what God says that we are wonderful in His eyes uniquely made and His child.. not easy to believe when your heart is shattered and tears flood down your face and your marriage is no more....but won't you just close your eyes with me and for one moment feel God's arm around you and His honest and faithful voice saying that you are enough and that you are loved....I know if I closed my eyes more and held onto that then my heart would feel the love it often so lacks. So take one hand, one belief that you are Loved by one amazing God and that is enough.

Moments in life

I love Christmas, to be honest I hated it as a child, not that I did not like all the tree's and decorations I did but my parents would often argue and so Christmas meant more time at home and I loved school. To this day I love Carols being sung and going to church although far different in America than the traditional services of England. This past Christmas I wanted it to last forever, holding onto my children and the memories we had made. 2015 means re evaluating my life my daughters turn 19 and 13 with one off to college. How time has slipped through my fingers and I find myself screaming at the clock of life saying no it was just yesterday that I held her in my arms and thanked God that He blessed me with her. Where has time gone like a time capsule I wanted to freeze time. Yet that is not the case. Yesterday we looked back at photos of friends and in it all it seemed such a life time had gone by. Some say childhood is just a fleeting moment in time and yet like Mary in the Bible I hold every moment of my children's lives close to my heart. This house and the walls and the garden outside silly memories made of singing to high heaven Like a Firework or snow made out of flour, dancing in the rain and mud fights. I may have not had money to buy a car for her or pay for piano lessons for my other daughter but in it all I would not have traded all those amazing memories. Life is so short I often think so many people do not realize that holding onto grudges, being sarcastic and forgetting just to forgive and live life remembering that, that moment will never come again..it is fragile just like a fallen leaf beautiful in its very moment... So in closing make the most of the moments in life and hold them dear to your heart because those moments are precious and what you make of them is up to you....