Who am I now ?

My mum died on July 1st 2021 and since then I have wondered who am I now? Not many people ask any more nor did they at the beginning on Facebook people said sorry for your loss. As up and down my mum was one thing was for sure I loved her with all my heart. As I look around this house I am lost how I am supposed to spend Christmas. I wonder have I in the past twenty some odd years lost who I was. I still love the countryside and still love the beach. I have stuff in my house and when I think of England I think of how much of a

smaller home I would have. But would I be content in that smallness. Would I find a part of the fifteen year old girl who loved simple things in life. Perhaps in all these years I have lost to stand up for the things I love and stand up for me. It's easy to come to America and get caught up in this rat race easy to come here seeking the American dream and it's not so easy to leave. In all this I realize I am not the same person I was all those years ago. But just maybe I am beginning to see that I am a person who should look more clearly at what I want out of life. Maybe going home is the answer maybe it's not but to do nothing is saying that my life is froozen. So Mum thanks for making me think of where I want to be in my life and just maybe along this road to finding me again you will be there helping and guiding me. Love you XXx

Night Mum

Good night 91 year old. On July 1st 2021 the phone call I had dreaded since I was seven yes seven came. A day just a day when two phone calls changed my life. A returned call and a voice saying your mum will not make it to the weekend. Grasping for air the unreality how I am supposed to get home and oh God COVID, quarentine, no feelings into account of families losing a loved one your mind is in panic. Your heart is like run and your frozen in silence standing as though the world around you is moving like your standing on a busy street frozen and everyone around you is moving but you can't hear a thing. You don't know what to say as tears run down your eyes and your youngest daughter shopping in a store says Mum lets go, go to the car this can't be happening, but the clock of time is running out and you realize today is that day. You know this time yes this time is reality. A few hours later a voice on the phone you know before they've said Mum has gone home. You stand in a garden a yard call it what you want over three thousand miles away stunned, not wanting anyone to touch you to hold you nothing you just stand alone the seven year old and the fifty-four year old meeting again in time holding each others hands and wondering is this reality.You hold her hand tight and she looks up to you with tears in her eyes she's gone home and all you can do is stand as the world goes moving by and your frozen in this unreal reality. Two daughters hugging you tight you feel this bond and yet the mother of two the child who lost her mother is now not knowing what to do. There's not wanting to believe it there's this bloody COVID and there's you who saw a woman not for her money, but loved her even when things weren't perfect you saw the good and viewed that was more precious than silver. I am one of three children, my brother died a while ago now, but I am alone in my grief alone in my numbness. A friend or two sprinkled with showered moments of love you grasp onto them as if they were giving oxygen to your very life. A piece of paper sent this is my mum's funeral how can all you wanted for someone be put into words and just a couple of papers to say how much their life mattered to you, how can you say all you wanted to say when the people coming there don't appear to give a damn but you alone are writing a memory of a life you cherrished and a person you loved. A video call to look through her things your grasping for memories well others stand judging you behind your back. You want to cry back can't you have some mercy, or are you so above others that compassion can't be given to someone else,I am numb now so cast your stones I won't feel them but God will stand in my Gap. I the daughter on a video call, I the daughter trapped in this bloody COVID land. It's as if my body is moving but my soul is empty, not knowing what to do. As if I am sitting in space and the world is spinning, God what am I supposed to do? I tell myself every day your mum is dead trying to get the numbness to go away, yet I am frozen, I don't want to be, but in reality I don't want the tears to flood through my very soul, through my veins I don't want to feel all that pain. I wanted to win this battle I wanted justice to be done, I was the person in the gap for my mum yet did I lose the battle or was the battle won? I know my world will keep turning, I know my mum will live on, but for now I will walk one step and then another holding onto the seven years old hand and mine and just maybe together we will in turn help others to see the new land. Love you Mum XXx

Love you Mum

My mum turned 91 today,I got to facetime her I felt so blessed to see her wonderful smile. As a teen I was not always the nicest to her and I even ran away from home. At times she has not been the nicest to me. But since I was seven I have wanted her to live forever. She is the bravest woman I know, she I would give the moon too. She has cheered me some days and others not. As I watched her today with an ache me heart. I wished I never moved away, I learnt a lot but I wished I could have made so many more memories with her. I wished I could go back in time take away all the words I said that were nasty and just love her like Christ. She's lived a very hard life and she has not been perfect. I will hold you in my heart forever, love you for eternity. I wished I could go back and make more memories, I wished I could hug you tight tell you are amazing and that you mean the world to me not what has happend. I will love you Mum forever and eternity.

But to me she will always be an Angel and when all is said and done she will always forever be my hero and my mum XXx

The world in silence 2020

We are a few months into 2021, and the rush to get life moving has ramped up no end. I see COVID slightly differently. The world in silence came to an abrupt halt, much like the silence when Christ breathed His last breathe. Last year, places where tourists roamed, now animals roamed-- the silence that stopped the world, shock us all to the bones or did it? In that, silence saw death and saw lives changed. For many in caused them to stop and think to take a breath to see the wonder around us for others it was desperation to get back to the so called norm of years gone by forgetting just maybe God had stopped the world to show how in the silence we can see things more clearly. To see that in the silence, we could just perhaps hear His voice. Six feet apart and wearing a mask no longer seeing a person's smile or facial expressions but turning ourselves to question life. How many want to go back to life as norm? I for one do not. In my silence and life changing situations of 2020, I see that God had a plan and if we rush to have stadiums full and to go back to life as the norm, or so they say, just maybe we miss out on seeing the greatest life changing lessons that we can learn. On a cross, Christ was alone: the world took a breathe last year, yet the world rushes for a quick fix answer, but perhaps just maybe it's simple. Be still and know that I am God. In that and that alone, surely that is enough.