Family

“Family” the word conjures up many feelings some think of a family who laugh together, care and are always there, others a mixture of disappointment and despair. Webster dictionary describes it as "families. 1 : a social group made up of parents and their children. 2 : a group of people who come from the same ancestor. You resemble your mother's side of the family." But what that word becomes to mean to us is left for those we associate that word with. Many have fallen into the trap of loving and giving so much to a family that continually lies to them, and continually pulls them down thinking things will change. Others have been very fortunate and have a family that have supported and loved them no matter what, wanting the very best for them, to see them fly and be the support that each of them need. One has to ask how do then the people who have not had that support learn to live? Maybe there is not an easy answer maybe there is no solution? We look to others searching to belong, searching for that family that is honest and loving often to feel that we have let down the ones who have rejected us and cared little for us along the way. Is there an answer for those held captive by the lies and uncertainty of an unhealthy family? One can say family comes in all shapes and sizes in the world we live in. But at the end of the day we all came from that one family that has instilled in us foundations of who we are. How do we then move on from often the realm of insanity? Do we forget and walk away from them? Do we seek out others to feel that void? By turning your back there is a sense of guilt, but how then do you learn to live again in a world where indeed you have worth and people can accept you for who you are without always lying to you and continually saying you are not good enough. I think it is like a child learning to walk one step, one day at a time. If you have ever run a marathon it was not ran in one day so to speak indeed it was really achieved over many days. So it is with moving on from an unhealthy family. I suggest that the first point is you see that you are worth something to God and others and that is not easy. One good friend is all you need, that one good friend that will keep on telling you that you have worth even if they say it for the rest of your life that one good friend will eventually impact and change your world. If you have not got one good friend then get the lipstick out or sticky notes and write notes and notes to say what you are in Christ and what you truly are. Second take a note of what is the truth and what is a lie often taking a step back allows us to see what is really true. Do not double think this, I often have a reason why my family treats me so badly, double guessing allows them control and you to be defeated. Thirdly and I am not very good at this stop the calls, see if they reach out to you, if not stop the calls, limit them. Take moments to live and breathe in the good air and exhale the bad. If you can find a good counselor then that is great however if not you cannot do this alone, it is years of insanity and years of walking alone and we are not meant to do that, so find a safe person to tell you the truth and that you have much worth. I am not perfect and there is no perfect family but one thing I do know for sure I am not what the lies have said I am. In a child’s eyes we just want to be loved not any different than a ninety-year-old person. But in living we have to understand that all those lies will destroy who we can become. Tears can be healing not defeat. A mirror does not have to be a place to look at in shame, telling others who you can trust can lead to healing, praying can lead to hope and you at the end of the day can learn that a family is out there who loves you for you, it might not be the way you thought but it will can lead to you living with hope. I should know I walk this road every day. I was told I was lucky to be fed and clothed and go to a private school, I never realized that food and clothes had to be asked for as a child and I never asked to go to a private school. The other day I was reminded by my friend we love each other for who we are and accept each other wanting the best that is family and that is love. So, I wish you all the best in moving on and finding your new hope because I believe that we can all move on from the lies and learn that we are good enough and that we do have worth because every day we have a chance to change to change that lie. So let’s start doing that and start living. Because today is a new day that I do know and that I do promise. You have much worth,so lets starting believing that one day at a time.

Captured in time.

My mum has been ill since before New year she fell and broke her hip and has been in hospital since. I feel myself captured in time wanting my mum to be young again, wanting someone to love me and see the good in me. I guess in truth we all do. As family members grow old and some draw further apart I ask the question what did all those years as a child mean? I left home at nineteen, with some regrets but our lives were all such a yoyo and there was little sanity. In my heart I just wanted so much more. As time has gone on I have found myself grasping to find a common ground with my family and to just be accepted. With my mum in hospital I surely have wanted to be the care giver, but it is very hard to be a caregiver 3,000 miles from home and with someone who feels that they do not need anyone. Some say close the door others pray but where is the balance between heart and Heaven? I ask the question how to do you capture in your heart what you have never had or in your mind that it is time to let go? When all you want is to hear that voice I love you or to sense that what you are doing is enough. I am sure many feel this way, if not then this is my alone road to find one day hope. I meet a man yesterday from the Associated Press my mind was captured in time of me wanting to be a journalist as a child, off course I loved fashion designing. My mind pulled into talking and I so wanted to get off work to sit and learn from this man, he had walked a road I had once wanted to go down. Yet I saw faults opinions not reality. Perhaps that is all that is left of my family that I grow up with opinions no reality no firm foundation of caring for another person. My mind captured in time as a five year old wanting a world that did not exist, perhaps it is hard to jump from our time capsule of life into the future because as a child longs for that love so do adults. The search for answers in a world that has already been clouded and looking for the light that will lead us to that home where we can find love and acceptance and peace that is the road I long for that is the road that through it all I hope to one day find. I wish you all the best to find your home your peace and your acceptance and worth because if you find that then we are no longer captured in time but captured in a place all of us can call home.