Lost love

To love or not to love that is the question?! I turned fifty this year a mum living 3000 miles away from home, and in this journey of life I have asked that question quite a lot. It is true even though this road of being a single mum has been hard I would do it all again to see the smiles or my children's faces. With that being said I grew up in the 1970's and 1980's in a middle class family in Norfolk England. My parents argued a lot, my sister, brother and I were pulled out of school and my sister and I went back but my brother at thirteen never went back to school. He made a living selling eggs in the village we lived in and latter worked for my dad. My brother and dad did not get along very well to be honest there was more tea stains on the wall from cups of tea thrown than wall paper. It was along road being a child that lived in an home full of arguments and as an adult I have looked for the good in it all. I was over the moon when my parents divorced but my mum was not very good with money and life spiraled. My brother eventually took his life and after twenty two years of having nothing to do with my dad I reached out to Salvation Army and found him. I was now divorced and 3000 miles from home. We raised the money and boarded a plane. One could say it was magical we made amazing memories but I was living in a fantasy this man who I had just wanted to love, would not talk about the past would not admit any faults and yet my heart still just wanted to love and forgive it's what I so believed was right. We held hands hugged were called a family all the right words yet no substance. I boarded a plane promises made of my dad paying for flights to come home every two years, eyes flooded as my children and I waved good bye at the station. Yet life did not change my Dad found a new girl friend accused me of being rude when I dared to ask for money to come home and doors began to close. My heart now totally smashed on the North Norfolk shore. I like to remember dancing on my Dad's feet and him singing songs but the songs always had to be the one's he wanted and the notes played on the piano had to played by him. There was no praise for jobs well done of loving art or doing well at school. In fact we all three were simply not good enough. I sent you to private school and fed and clothed you he said but life is more than just that. My escape was my Godmother I loved her, she allowed me to love the countryside and love art and make pottery. Walking home in the dark was not so bad it was my escape. Perhaps in looking back my love for North Norfolk was because of her because really there was none found in the tea stained walls and shouts in the winding drive ways of my childhood. My brother was an amazing artist, my sister she is so talented with sewing but no praise was given by either parent. Where did it all go wrong, were we just living on an alternative planet. I thought that if I forgave I would be loved and I thought if I put my heart continually out to my parents I would be accepted but I was wrong, oh so wrong. My dad has prostrate cancer a new woman in his life and why would you want seven grandchildren and two daughters when you have someone keeping you warm at night. The sad thing is we wanted to be loved, how can you make someone love you who is just so selfish that they only love themselves and that their lies they believe. I don't want to dance on my dad's feet any more or sing songs he sang I will like those songs for me. But my heart aches and I want to dance on Jesus's feet He will hold me tight and He will not fail me like you have Dad.

Memories don't live like people do...they always stay with you.

As I sat talking about moving back to England in the next few years the thought of going through memories was not one I put on the top of the list in fact to get rid of the Christmas china that I loved first and get rid of anything in the house but go through memory boxes was not one I wanted to do. My youngest decided today was a good day to start and after three days of headaches and shoving turmeric, garlic and ginger down I was just feeling a little exhausted. As I sat looking at things I sat remembering back then although I knew that my marriage was coming to an end I still hoped that some how some way it would work. I sat going through just two of these large Tupperware containers filled of memories, remembering people who had made things now who had died and thinking of how I had hoped so much more for her and her sister. God help me when I go through her sisters things my oldest holds onto everything, everything has a memory good or bad something holds us to them. As I held the clothes in my hands I just felt sad wishing things had been different seeing things my mum made and wishing I had stayed in England and just had made more memories with her. I have about five things maybe from my childhood, I don't remember what happened to the things I wanted to keep as we moved shortly after my parents got divorced and I don't know what happened to the amazing clothes my mum made my dolls, I had wanted to keep them for my little girls but that did not happen. Boxes fill this house with times sad and some good, I just wish I could have made it better for my children, I do with all my heart. I use to keep journals as a child I wished I had kept them but I joined a church which was against them and out went the journals and and out went memories good or bad I guess now I write the pages of what happened in the past and maybe some were to sad to read anyway. My parents argued a lot and I like to remember the good times I had as a child of ridding my bike and living in the countryside. Maybe the clothes are just like the words "Memories don't live like people do they always stay with you" so if the things get given a new life then it's alright because I can take the good memories and choice to leave the sad and in that I did my best and that is all anyone can do. If one can look back at life even if you have lost someone or you are divorced and you did your best then that is what matters, wishing things had been different can never change things but can empower the future to be brighter if we allow ourselves to cry a little and then move on and that is my wish.

"I never wanted you to leave"

That gutted feeling when you talk to your mum and she says "I never wanted you to leave, you left because of Tim (my ex) and his family to make them happy" "Well your be back here one day I know you never wanted to stay in America" My heart sank as though I lost all of those years with a best friend. My mum is not perfect and sure she has her moments but I sure wished I could have shared some more with her. My ex lives a few hours from his home me over 3000 miles. I wished so many times I could zap down the phone and just hug my mum. My greatest wish was to go home for my Birthday my mum's and mine are next to each other and I sure would have loved to have seen my friends over there. I do believe I will live in England again just not sure when, wished I did. I hope I get to see my mum and Dad again. They may not be perfect but I love them. My sister moved into her new home today I was sad as I had not seen it, sad that now both my brothers home and hers were now never to be seen again. I loved going there one Christmas and decorating the tree with them it was awesome. All those times lost, how do I ever get back to a place I loved. Some say don't look back but say if your heart is there. I felt my mum's love as she said I never wanted you to leave and I felt my heart break, one day I hope it stops breaking. One day I hope I can help someone else to not allow a person to walk over them, for a person to stay strong to themselves and embrace the person they are. Guess at the end of the day we choose if we will be sucked into believing we are accepted by another person, the longer I am alive the more I see people let us down all the time. I visited a church this weekend I felt like I was in England it was lovely to belong don't we all want that.

Homesick

I have lived in America for about nineteen years now. I came here thinking I would be accepted and loved by my ex in laws but that did not happen. I moved back to England but ended up moving back to America I said God told us to move back a Pastor told us that we should stay. I guess looking back he was right. I thought coming back would make my ex happy and hey I was coming home every two years all was well. But life did not work out that way I never intended to stay in America all my life, I always wanted to move home. After several years living in the USA I wanted to move back but I had stupid expectations wanting to have the same size house and kids in private schools so I did not move. Then I became a single mum and life hit reality my ex could go home when he wanted, me I was now stuck in a country far from home and with no money to go back to England. I guess as I type this if I had used my money that I had not on a lawyer and survival I could have got home but the courts would not have allowed it. I missed going to my brothers funeral, missed being together for Birthdays or any days. A friend helped us get home in 2015 after eight years I sat crying and crying at the airport I wanted to stay, my dad had promised to get us home every two years but when asked that became not a reality. It's a tough reality when your heart wants to go home and your stuck in another country yet no one understands why you are homesick or why you miss home. In reality if I could advise you reader, never let go of the person you are, I gave up all of me for someone and now I am fighting to survive and find me and find my way home. If someone takes you so far away from who you are then they don't really love you nor do they love themselves because otherwise they would love you for you. You are worth being you. I wished I had learnt that because I now have to tell myself that every single day.

Life is not all it appears to be !!!

As i turn fifty this year my tolerance for people being rude has surely gone up. The intolerance for how government sectors can often do what they want. That work places make their employees feel small yet smile on their adds that all is well. A few years ago I was put in a situation where my work shifts were put to nothing and behind my back I was being told that this one person would do everything to get me fired. Last year I made a stand against a manager at another store and was accused of saying things in their store that I did not say. I stood being pulled down for over forty minutes being told that I was an employee, regardless if I was not at work, as a customer I was not allowed to complain at all. They never came back with names and never said sorry, I was devastated. I have seen favoritism where people get promoted and are made full time yet do not do full time hours. One young lady was promoted and I swear her job is to make my life hell she shouts at me every time I move away from my station, told me off for saying Merry Christmas and talks about me behind my back. I have got to the point I dread going to work, I dread being shouted at and being made small by a woman years younger than me. It has knocked my confidence and made me feel small in a place where I used to love the customers. I used to say stand up for yourself at this job, but now I just want to move on to find a place where I am treated with respect. Customers are told write a nice comment about your cashier but none of those comments get to us and no one cares all that matters is that money is made and it is just wrong. I was brought up in a world where people said please, thank you and had respect for a person older than them, but that is blown to the wind and if you dare complain then you are the one who is made small. One could say go to a higher authority and complain I did that and was made to feel very small by management. I never was bullied at school, I was quiet, kept to myself, not sure if this is bullying to be honest what is happening to me, but I know I hate it. I do believe that every person has the right to stand up for themselves just not in co-operate America. Customers love me but that has never been enough it does not pay the bills and my confidence has been shot at this job I gave my all to. Now what I pray to God is that a company would hire me, where I can make a difference in others lives or even better that I will get my own business going where I can empower other women to make a difference and I treat them with respect knowing that we all have something to give and something to gain from another person. You never know what truly goes on in life. I lived in a very small village in England my parents argued a lot but no one knew, nor cared. I loved going to my neighbors house and escaping the arguments my fear of walking home in the dark did not appear to matter, to not listen to the arguments outweighed my fear. I never wanted to be a single mum living so far from England and yet here I am trying desperately hard to get home one day. Many think life is a certain way but have you ever just talked to someone just bothered to care about someone other than yourself? You might find they have something to give you and you may offer them hope when they feel their life is oh so alone. It's amazing how much a smile can make someone feel happy or a hug. See in my world you just have to keep believing keep on pressing forward because just maybe tomorrow is the breakthrough that will change your life.