Who am I now ?

My mum died on July 1st 2021 and since then I have wondered who am I now? Not many people ask any more nor did they at the beginning on Facebook people said sorry for your loss. As up and down my mum was one thing was for sure I loved her with all my heart. As I look around this house I am lost how I am supposed to spend Christmas. I wonder have I in the past twenty some odd years lost who I was. I still love the countryside and still love the beach. I have stuff in my house and when I think of England I think of how much of a

smaller home I would have. But would I be content in that smallness. Would I find a part of the fifteen year old girl who loved simple things in life. Perhaps in all these years I have lost to stand up for the things I love and stand up for me. It's easy to come to America and get caught up in this rat race easy to come here seeking the American dream and it's not so easy to leave. In all this I realize I am not the same person I was all those years ago. But just maybe I am beginning to see that I am a person who should look more clearly at what I want out of life. Maybe going home is the answer maybe it's not but to do nothing is saying that my life is froozen. So Mum thanks for making me think of where I want to be in my life and just maybe along this road to finding me again you will be there helping and guiding me. Love you XXx

Night Mum

Good night 91 year old. On July 1st 2021 the phone call I had dreaded since I was seven yes seven came. A day just a day when two phone calls changed my life. A returned call and a voice saying your mum will not make it to the weekend. Grasping for air the unreality how I am supposed to get home and oh God COVID, quarentine, no feelings into account of families losing a loved one your mind is in panic. Your heart is like run and your frozen in silence standing as though the world around you is moving like your standing on a busy street frozen and everyone around you is moving but you can't hear a thing. You don't know what to say as tears run down your eyes and your youngest daughter shopping in a store says Mum lets go, go to the car this can't be happening, but the clock of time is running out and you realize today is that day. You know this time yes this time is reality. A few hours later a voice on the phone you know before they've said Mum has gone home. You stand in a garden a yard call it what you want over three thousand miles away stunned, not wanting anyone to touch you to hold you nothing you just stand alone the seven year old and the fifty-four year old meeting again in time holding each others hands and wondering is this reality.You hold her hand tight and she looks up to you with tears in her eyes she's gone home and all you can do is stand as the world goes moving by and your frozen in this unreal reality. Two daughters hugging you tight you feel this bond and yet the mother of two the child who lost her mother is now not knowing what to do. There's not wanting to believe it there's this bloody COVID and there's you who saw a woman not for her money, but loved her even when things weren't perfect you saw the good and viewed that was more precious than silver. I am one of three children, my brother died a while ago now, but I am alone in my grief alone in my numbness. A friend or two sprinkled with showered moments of love you grasp onto them as if they were giving oxygen to your very life. A piece of paper sent this is my mum's funeral how can all you wanted for someone be put into words and just a couple of papers to say how much their life mattered to you, how can you say all you wanted to say when the people coming there don't appear to give a damn but you alone are writing a memory of a life you cherrished and a person you loved. A video call to look through her things your grasping for memories well others stand judging you behind your back. You want to cry back can't you have some mercy, or are you so above others that compassion can't be given to someone else,I am numb now so cast your stones I won't feel them but God will stand in my Gap. I the daughter on a video call, I the daughter trapped in this bloody COVID land. It's as if my body is moving but my soul is empty, not knowing what to do. As if I am sitting in space and the world is spinning, God what am I supposed to do? I tell myself every day your mum is dead trying to get the numbness to go away, yet I am frozen, I don't want to be, but in reality I don't want the tears to flood through my very soul, through my veins I don't want to feel all that pain. I wanted to win this battle I wanted justice to be done, I was the person in the gap for my mum yet did I lose the battle or was the battle won? I know my world will keep turning, I know my mum will live on, but for now I will walk one step and then another holding onto the seven years old hand and mine and just maybe together we will in turn help others to see the new land. Love you Mum XXx

Love you Mum

My mum turned 91 today,I got to facetime her I felt so blessed to see her wonderful smile. As a teen I was not always the nicest to her and I even ran away from home. At times she has not been the nicest to me. But since I was seven I have wanted her to live forever. She is the bravest woman I know, she I would give the moon too. She has cheered me some days and others not. As I watched her today with an ache me heart. I wished I never moved away, I learnt a lot but I wished I could have made so many more memories with her. I wished I could go back in time take away all the words I said that were nasty and just love her like Christ. She's lived a very hard life and she has not been perfect. I will hold you in my heart forever, love you for eternity. I wished I could go back and make more memories, I wished I could hug you tight tell you are amazing and that you mean the world to me not what has happend. I will love you Mum forever and eternity.

But to me she will always be an Angel and when all is said and done she will always forever be my hero and my mum XXx

The world in silence 2020

We are a few months into 2021, and the rush to get life moving has ramped up no end. I see COVID slightly differently. The world in silence came to an abrupt halt, much like the silence when Christ breathed His last breathe. Last year, places where tourists roamed, now animals roamed-- the silence that stopped the world, shock us all to the bones or did it? In that, silence saw death and saw lives changed. For many in caused them to stop and think to take a breath to see the wonder around us for others it was desperation to get back to the so called norm of years gone by forgetting just maybe God had stopped the world to show how in the silence we can see things more clearly. To see that in the silence, we could just perhaps hear His voice. Six feet apart and wearing a mask no longer seeing a person's smile or facial expressions but turning ourselves to question life. How many want to go back to life as norm? I for one do not. In my silence and life changing situations of 2020, I see that God had a plan and if we rush to have stadiums full and to go back to life as the norm, or so they say, just maybe we miss out on seeing the greatest life changing lessons that we can learn. On a cross, Christ was alone: the world took a breathe last year, yet the world rushes for a quick fix answer, but perhaps just maybe it's simple. Be still and know that I am God. In that and that alone, surely that is enough.

COVID-19 Lessons

COVID 19 In a world where everyone has lived in an instant mindset that many have lost the value of appreciating life, we have found ourselves in 2020 in COVID 19 the pandemic that struck this world. Graduates and high school seniors felt that their lives were robbed, and others complained that the grocery stores were not opened 24/7. Yet in WWII people knew no ending just like COVID and hey technology was non-existent. The comradeship of life to do something for others was rallied together in my England. One can say COVID blame the Chinese blame anyone other than thinking what opportunities can come from this pandemic. Get out walk see the beauty around you. Encourage someone else. Yet after a few weeks the Baptists are hailing victory as they can go back to church. It’s not about if you are a Baptist or another religion it’s seeing that this situation can bring actual healing to the world. The environment stopped and flourished while many sat at home and complained the countryside yarned and smelt not diesel but the fresh air and did not complain. It is sad that Prom didn’t come but maybe there was an opportunity to reach out to make new friends to see that the world you lived in could be changed by a song you wrote. Just maybe Prom was meant to be seen in what you could give instead of what a person could take. Tony Blair an ex-Prime Minister of England said that there is so much to learn from these times. His right I go to the local grocery store and see people not happy because they have to stand six feet a part and others petitioning that the bill of rights is not being adhered to. Others stand arguing in nurses’ faces. Those nurses who struggle to keep the faith and save lives in a new world which hasn’t gotten answers. Yet you complain and say you have rights while they have seen people dying. Jimmy Fallon maybe stuck at home but his happy family making the most of it all laughing about life and being honest of how life has changed, why can’t we see the good instead of hey let’s go to the grocery store again for the thousandth time. Let’s be honest the value of life is not brought in a store. It’s from seeing that this is an opportunity to actually really care. The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy so well explains in his book that is a great read from 5- when you die of how we should value who we are. It’s not in how many likes on Facebook or how many emoticons I get sent me. It’s seeing that a person is valued and that they have worth. Is COVID 19 from hell no hey things come and go but it is from hell if you don’t let go of of all your complaints and see that others can reap from encouraging words of love. It’s seeing the value in nature in a smile in a puddle it’s so much more than a church full of people it’s people actually loving each other when they can’t sing a song together. It’s connection in a new world it’s not saying what you haven’t got but valuing what you have got it’s seeing that the world has beauty and that the world might have changed but did you change or did you just complain. 2020 like no other what does your story say …. One of courage and good or the other you get to write the pages. COVID 19 a history maker like no other one of good to many, hope for others and a world that has the chance to change for the better for others.

My Little Women

I never ever thought I was good enough to have children so when I had two amazing daughters I felt I had won the moon and Heavens. Ironically when I was pregnant with my first daughter Little women with Winona Ryder that was the CD that I listened to and loved so much. I was in England my home and my little girl came home to a Winnie the Pooh decorated room I was happy little me, little her. Then came my second daughter six years later miles away from home now in America no one came over Little me and now two little them. Life has a tendency to keep ticking and as time went on I became a single mum. I did want to give up any time with them I choose to keep going no matter what, my little women dancing at night singing to our hearts wanted to cry, laughing at silliness, snowmen were drawn on the floor in the height of summer as flour was scattered. We danced in the rain, collected clothes and food for those in need. Yard sale after yard sale making homeschool our reality. We were survivors when the world said that we would not survive I cheered them on and they cheered me to believe. My Little Women how I wanted time to be captured to stop to freeze, from songs being sung to Christmas decorations hung I wanted them to stay my Little Women. We choose to fight a battle to keep going when odds said not to believe. Why not I said we have nothing to lose and so we fought an often lonely battle. My little Women who gave up often their childhood to believe that we all could succeed. Ironic isn't it as this chapter marches on a new Little Women is now in the theatres I am not pregnant listening to the songs, I am me crying heart wondering what the next chapter holds. My Little Women, all grown up. No singing on a deck, no hair in the bathtub no shouting to vacuum our chapter now ending a new one beginning.

, or singing in the rain. The new chapter calls to be written My Little Women yes My Little women now or grown and me Little me holding onto to those amazing memories. You made me Me girls, you my Little women I am so proud of you. Love you Mama XX

Storms and life

I have felt like many that I have been in a massive storm all my life, from childhood, divorce it has been a fight. Last year we stepped out and committed to staying in one church, serving and doing our best. Then this year we stepped out again committing to having a small group in our home and serving in another campus. Today I was told my contract ends, I am the one bringing in the money the one who's shoulders feel very heavy laden, but in it all, I say God will fight my battle. God damn it I might be weary but come on God fight that battle for me. It's a true fact that to serve God you lay down your life. I just wanted to go back to England, I just wanted to run down those rolling hills. But in every table being turned in my life this year. I truly say God fight my battle. It's in the moments that tears our in my heart the pain and joys of life. That truly what is aksing God for money what is it all about. It is in every breath me knowing that God is going to provide.